Yesterday was the first session with my new therapist, and I think I'll keep him! But before I get into that, I wanted to put down some thoughts I've been having as I've watched the results of this Olympics unfold.
I did gymnastics from just after I turned 5 until after I was 9. I LOVED IT! I was blessed enough to go to train at World Olympic Gymnastics Academy (where Carly Patterson trained) under Valerie Liukin, and Evgeny Marchenko for a good portion of my gymnastics days. I attended Karolyi Gymnastics camp for 3 summers. I dreamed of being on the 2004 US Olympics Gymnastics team (Hey, what young gymnast DOESN'T want that?). While I recognize now that as a gymnast I didn't have the natural ability and spunk that it takes to make it all the way, I intensely have missed the training for years, and I hate how my gymnastics career ended.
My father, having suffered with depression and anxiety actively my whole life, always kept us in a financially precarious situation. When I was 9, I was about to get into more serious training. The were going to have me travelling and competing with a team. My parents were nervous anyway about the pressure put on gymnasts in competition, and didn't really want me to get to that point. That combined with the financial strain (and a coach taking my team into the dance studio during practice to belittle us and call us pathetic after a competition), they advised me that I would need to end my gymnastics career. However, due to my father's pride I was instructed to tell everyone that I didn't want to do gymnastics anymore, instead of the truth that he couldn't afford my training.
One coach knew better and pulled me to the side to press further. I told her that we couldn't afford the training. When my dad found out I told, he FLIPPED OUT! He was angry at ME! For telling the TRUTH! I look back thinking about how he was trying to make me lie to protect his own pride, and I resent him for that.
Anyway, the Summer Olympics always bring up strong feelings of inadequacy and a "what could have been" mentality. I tried desparately over the years to get back into it - even thinking I could go in the direction of rythmic gymnastics since I was already in my preteen years it might be easier to make a comeback. But it always came back to finances.
I finished reading OFF BALANCE by Dominique Moceanu (of the Magnificant Seven) a few days ago. It's scary how similar our experiences were with our fathers. The difference I see though, is that at his core, her father believed in her and worked hard and sacrificed so she could become a champion. Comparatively, I see that as my father not think I was good enough to work hard to make my dreams possible. Granted, that doesn't negate that her father was hurtful, controling, and secretly wasting away her money after she'd become a champion, but without her father working so hard and sacrificing to make her dreams a reality, I doubt it would have happened. My father didn't believe in me that same way, so where does that leave me?
While I was doing gymnastics though, he was proud! He was athletic, and even did gymnastics for a bit, so it was our way of bonding. I don't have many fond memories of time spent with my father, but what I do have is him helping to spot me on a new skill, or playing soccor in the backyard. The sport connected us. And besides that I felt confidant being able to do those things. My body was strong, flexible, and capable. I could do things other kids couldn't and it made me feel special. I had to find a new identity after that all ended.
I don't think my brain ever got out of the gymnast mindset. Throughout my eating disorder, my goal hasn't been to shrink to nothingness like some sufferers. My goal has always been to be tiny, yes, but also be muscular and strong. I realized while watching USA walk in the parade of nations that what I've been striving for is to get my body back to gymnastics shape. Maybe some back part of my brain remembered how my body felt when I was most confident in my body and life was most simple. When I started the quest to better myself, it would stop at nothing until it got back to that point.
I'm not sure that realization helps me in any way to get better, but I thought it was an interesting thought connection.
Anyway . . .
Yes, I met with my new therapist yesterday. I was VERY nervous. I had tried eating some breakfast, but couldn't keep it down, and was worried about eating anything else, so I sipped on watered-down iced tea and chewed gum most of the rest of the day (not sure why my brain says that's a good idea to deal with nerves, but there you go). My anxiety mostly stems from not wanting to relive my issues YET AGAIN for another therapist. He's the 3rd I've tried in the area, and the 5th in the past year (only 1 other person lasted longer than 3 sessions). I really wanted this to be a good fit so I could have some security in my recovery process, so maybe this time, I could get somewhere solid and significant.
Luckily, I think it was a good fit. I felt very comfortable with him. And he seemed to genuinely listen to me. He's not one of those "Oh, that must be hard" or "How does that make you feel" type of people. He seems very blunt but also understanding, which is what I like, and what I need. Yet he made me feel like I was in control of the session. It felt like he was there as a help and guide, but ultimately it's up to me what I put in and get out of the situation. I think that's how it should be in a therapist-patient relationship.
I won't get to see him for a couple weeks, as I'm going to a friend's wedding out of town, but I was asked to keep a more detailed journal of my day-to-day feelings. Should be interesting, as I've already been thinking about the stresses involved with going back to visit my old university and long-time employment location. It's where my eating disorder first took over. There will be LOTS of people and LOTS of food around for the wedding. I'm sure at some point we'll go swimming. So, there is that anxiety of a bathing suit and other people in bathing suits to deal with. So . . . yeah . . . journal entries should be interesting over the next couple weeks. I'll be sure to enlighten you on the most interesting ones! And I'll try my best to find a joyful moment to right about, as I'm afraid this blog has become a bit depressing, lol!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
When Your Favorite Things Become a Burden - Why?
The past few days have been . . . interesting. To help you understand a little, it may be necessary to give you a little more background on myself:
I am a Theatre Geek! I was in my first play (PETER PAN) at 13, but I was performing in varying capacities before then. After an extended break, I started doing theater again in my junior year of high school. It was a very trying time for me (I was back in public school after 5 years of homeschooling, and living with my dad and step mom with 3 step-brothers my same age and a new half-brother not even a year old yet). I needed a place where I felt productive and wanted. A place that I could feel a connection with. A place to escape to . . . That was the theatre.
Theatre was everything! It gave me something to look forward to, a place to belong. When I first started back in high school half-way through my sophmore year I would skip lunches and go read in the library because I had no where else to be and everyone made me feel like I was intruding on "their spot." Now, every lunch period I had people to be with and a place to go. It was intoxicating, and, what's more, I was good at it! I started by doing spot operations and prop design and construction. The next show I acted! After that I continued to perform, but I also was Todo's dog trainer in THE WIZARD OF OZ (I've trained dogs since I was 10) and was the Dramaturg for THE LITTLE WOMEN.
Through all of these experiences, I knew the theatre was where I should be. My dad did not agree. We had many heated conversations about how he felt I couldn't make it a sustainable career. They culminated in him kicking me out of his house the day I graduated high school.
I went on to study theatre at college. My freshman year I participated in every maintstage show and every independent project. I won multiple recognitions in the department. I was accepted into the Bachelor of Fine Arts Program of Theatre Design and Technologies (a difficult decision as I'd wanted to perform more, but I thought I should cultivate practical skills to fill in time between performance contracts). I was a Dance Performance minor (never told my dad that I dropped English as my minor - he always told me I wasn't a good dancer).
The summer after my freshman year I started working at The Utah Shakespearean Festival, and continued working as a props artisan/display intern year-round for the next 2 years. I earned much praise and respect both at the University and at USF. I was on top of the world! I was making career shaping connections, and all I wanted to do with my time was theatre! It fullfilled me and I felt sick and lost without it. I joked about how it was my drug.
Figured by this time my dad would see that I COULD make a career out of theatre, but no matter how much I succeeded and how far I rose, he always remained outwardly skeptical and unsupportive.
Fall of 2010: I became overwhelmed. I had started trying to watch what I ate. Going to Australia over christmas to visit a new LDR boyfriend, I wanted to look good in the bikini he sent me. I adopted a Raw foods diet, which can be fairly simple, but takes a lot of thought and prep time. I was also trying to find time to workout.
My theater and class workload was out of control, and I had multiple emotional breakdowns to professors. I thought the problem was that I wasn't focusing on myself, and that I'd just tapped my creative and emotional giving wells dry. I decided to back off on my Theater classes and work in the Spring, and given that I'd decided to marry this Australian and go over there the next year, I didn't have to worry about taking specific classes to stay on track to graduate the next year.
It was two and a half months into this break from theater that I purged for the first time. Time went on, and I tried to stay involved in the department, but they'd moved on. At the end of year banquet (where 2 years before I was praised without ceasing), not a single one of my accomplishments in the department were recognized. They didn't need me anymore.
USF hired other artisans that summer since I was leaving . . . they didn't need me anymore.
I fell deeper and deeper into my eating disorder.
PRESENT DAY! . . .
My Australian guy and I are getting divorced, and my dad are no longer speaking.
When I got to Aspen I thought I should find some things to keep me busy and to start meeting people. I emailed a couple local theaters offering my volunteer services. After hearing about my experience, going over my portfolio, and talking with me, Theatre Aspen offered me the Props Mistress job. I turned it down, however, as financially it couldn't support me with what I needed at the time.
However, two months ago the emailed me asking for help as their current Props Mistress broke her shoulder in a bike accident, 1 week before 1st preview of their first show. I took on the task of helping them get that show open and in opening the other 2, while still working full-time at my other job.
I should have been ecstatic! I mean, I'm good at what I do, and I LOVE what I do . . . right? Surprisingly, I found myself completely and overwhelmingly stressed out. Things that used to have great importance to me in regards to putting up a show seemed so trivial. I began to understand why I loved escaping to this place. Everyone stresses about paint color and costumes being wrinkled. In the grand scheme of things, if ever there were more unimportant things, these are it! I remember WHY I stressed though . . . It was all about creating the best art possible, because that art delivered a message. The whole point of theater (to me at least) is to hold up a mirror and offer a safe and entertaining environment for people to evaluate themselves, their lives, and learn something that could better all of that.
Suddenly, though, no of that seemed important.
Plus, quite frankly, it was getting in the way! It was interfering with my workouts, and it was interfering with what I wanted to eat and when, and making it VERY difficult to purge when I needed to. One night all I could think about was food and purging and exercising while I had many other things to do for the theater, and so I just sat there for three hours going in circles in my head.
How did I get here? When did I replace a healthy addiction (theater provided me so many of my basic human needs, including a potentially rich career) with a stupid one that now gets in the way of doing things I once loved?!
My fear is that it's lost for good. That I'm so emotionally wrecked that I'll never be able to healthily handle the stressful nature of theatre again.
I thought that theatre helped me find myself and my place in this world. Without it, who am I? And since it's been replaced with my E.D., without that who am I? Strip me of everything I've done and accomplished, and what's left? I have no idea, and that's the scary part. But I wish I could go back to when things were simpler and I felt I understood myself. When I was passionate about what I did, and did what I was passionate about. Is it possible to have that back? ...
I am a Theatre Geek! I was in my first play (PETER PAN) at 13, but I was performing in varying capacities before then. After an extended break, I started doing theater again in my junior year of high school. It was a very trying time for me (I was back in public school after 5 years of homeschooling, and living with my dad and step mom with 3 step-brothers my same age and a new half-brother not even a year old yet). I needed a place where I felt productive and wanted. A place that I could feel a connection with. A place to escape to . . . That was the theatre.
Theatre was everything! It gave me something to look forward to, a place to belong. When I first started back in high school half-way through my sophmore year I would skip lunches and go read in the library because I had no where else to be and everyone made me feel like I was intruding on "their spot." Now, every lunch period I had people to be with and a place to go. It was intoxicating, and, what's more, I was good at it! I started by doing spot operations and prop design and construction. The next show I acted! After that I continued to perform, but I also was Todo's dog trainer in THE WIZARD OF OZ (I've trained dogs since I was 10) and was the Dramaturg for THE LITTLE WOMEN.
Through all of these experiences, I knew the theatre was where I should be. My dad did not agree. We had many heated conversations about how he felt I couldn't make it a sustainable career. They culminated in him kicking me out of his house the day I graduated high school.
I went on to study theatre at college. My freshman year I participated in every maintstage show and every independent project. I won multiple recognitions in the department. I was accepted into the Bachelor of Fine Arts Program of Theatre Design and Technologies (a difficult decision as I'd wanted to perform more, but I thought I should cultivate practical skills to fill in time between performance contracts). I was a Dance Performance minor (never told my dad that I dropped English as my minor - he always told me I wasn't a good dancer).
The summer after my freshman year I started working at The Utah Shakespearean Festival, and continued working as a props artisan/display intern year-round for the next 2 years. I earned much praise and respect both at the University and at USF. I was on top of the world! I was making career shaping connections, and all I wanted to do with my time was theatre! It fullfilled me and I felt sick and lost without it. I joked about how it was my drug.
Figured by this time my dad would see that I COULD make a career out of theatre, but no matter how much I succeeded and how far I rose, he always remained outwardly skeptical and unsupportive.
Fall of 2010: I became overwhelmed. I had started trying to watch what I ate. Going to Australia over christmas to visit a new LDR boyfriend, I wanted to look good in the bikini he sent me. I adopted a Raw foods diet, which can be fairly simple, but takes a lot of thought and prep time. I was also trying to find time to workout.
My theater and class workload was out of control, and I had multiple emotional breakdowns to professors. I thought the problem was that I wasn't focusing on myself, and that I'd just tapped my creative and emotional giving wells dry. I decided to back off on my Theater classes and work in the Spring, and given that I'd decided to marry this Australian and go over there the next year, I didn't have to worry about taking specific classes to stay on track to graduate the next year.
It was two and a half months into this break from theater that I purged for the first time. Time went on, and I tried to stay involved in the department, but they'd moved on. At the end of year banquet (where 2 years before I was praised without ceasing), not a single one of my accomplishments in the department were recognized. They didn't need me anymore.
USF hired other artisans that summer since I was leaving . . . they didn't need me anymore.
I fell deeper and deeper into my eating disorder.
PRESENT DAY! . . .
My Australian guy and I are getting divorced, and my dad are no longer speaking.
When I got to Aspen I thought I should find some things to keep me busy and to start meeting people. I emailed a couple local theaters offering my volunteer services. After hearing about my experience, going over my portfolio, and talking with me, Theatre Aspen offered me the Props Mistress job. I turned it down, however, as financially it couldn't support me with what I needed at the time.
However, two months ago the emailed me asking for help as their current Props Mistress broke her shoulder in a bike accident, 1 week before 1st preview of their first show. I took on the task of helping them get that show open and in opening the other 2, while still working full-time at my other job.
I should have been ecstatic! I mean, I'm good at what I do, and I LOVE what I do . . . right? Surprisingly, I found myself completely and overwhelmingly stressed out. Things that used to have great importance to me in regards to putting up a show seemed so trivial. I began to understand why I loved escaping to this place. Everyone stresses about paint color and costumes being wrinkled. In the grand scheme of things, if ever there were more unimportant things, these are it! I remember WHY I stressed though . . . It was all about creating the best art possible, because that art delivered a message. The whole point of theater (to me at least) is to hold up a mirror and offer a safe and entertaining environment for people to evaluate themselves, their lives, and learn something that could better all of that.
Suddenly, though, no of that seemed important.
Plus, quite frankly, it was getting in the way! It was interfering with my workouts, and it was interfering with what I wanted to eat and when, and making it VERY difficult to purge when I needed to. One night all I could think about was food and purging and exercising while I had many other things to do for the theater, and so I just sat there for three hours going in circles in my head.
How did I get here? When did I replace a healthy addiction (theater provided me so many of my basic human needs, including a potentially rich career) with a stupid one that now gets in the way of doing things I once loved?!
My fear is that it's lost for good. That I'm so emotionally wrecked that I'll never be able to healthily handle the stressful nature of theatre again.
I thought that theatre helped me find myself and my place in this world. Without it, who am I? And since it's been replaced with my E.D., without that who am I? Strip me of everything I've done and accomplished, and what's left? I have no idea, and that's the scary part. But I wish I could go back to when things were simpler and I felt I understood myself. When I was passionate about what I did, and did what I was passionate about. Is it possible to have that back? ...
Friday, July 20, 2012
Yo-yo Recovery: Why Can't I Just Be Normal?!
Last night, as my boyfriend kissed me goodnight and goodbye to go back to his place, I whispered in his ear, "Today was Day 1." What I meant was, it was the first day I didn't binge, purge, restrict my diet, or exercise.
He responded, "You've gotta start somewhere, now you just gotta keep going."
I felt good last night. A little concerned about not having exercised and having gone out with friends to share some appetizers and a glass of wine, but the feeling of being with them and having such a good time was so good I wasn't overly concerned about it. I knew with my work schedule the next day I wouldn't be able to find time to workout either with everything I needed to get done. Again, though, last night it wasn't a great concern.
Then, in the light of day, everything came back to me. I weigh myself everymorning, and yesterday the scale said 125.5. This morning, however, it registered at 127.5. I knew it would probably be a little higher, but 2 pounds?!!!
My insides started back flipping (if I could burn calories with that I'd never have to exercise). My appetite went away in the blink of an eye, and all I could think was "when can I work out?" When I realized that most likely I wouldn't be able to get it in today, I could feel my anxiety level rising higher and higher. I feel bloated and like a failure. I literally had to FORCE myself to drink a cup of coconut milk for breakfast (totalling 45 calories) and directly afterward I felt like purging it. I didn't, though (mostly because my room mate was standing right there quite honestly).
I'm trying to force myself to get a few calories because I know if I just stop cold turkey after have a little splurging the last couple days, my body my think it's starving and hold onto things even more. So I'm trying to take it down little by little. But I feel like until I can go spend a couple hours working out I'm not going to feel better.
It's frustrating because it is such a mixed feeling. Last night, my boyfriend (who I've been with now over 5 months :-D) told me quite insistantly how gorgeous I was. He said, "I know I don't always say it this way, but you really are just gorgeous. I look at you and think . . . I must have done something really good in a past life." He added a few details to that, but it just meant so much to me. But why can't I see it.
Part of my feeling though, is that he said those things on a day I weighed 2 pounds less than I do now. So, the conclusion is drawn that I'm not gorgeous anymore or I've disappointed or let him down in someway because I've gained. When I think about that conclusion logically, it doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.
I'm frustrated with myself because I can't just go out and have a nice evening with friends and let it be. I LOVED that feeling last night. Not over indulging, but treating ourselves, having a good time, laughing. No one was talking about exercising or the caloric or protein content of food. No one was talking about how toned, tiny, or fat anyone was. It was just a genuine human connection. That's how it should be all the time.
The next day though . . . I pay for my normality. And now I'm stressed, frustrated, and angry with myself. While I know this isn't right, I feel like maybe I just need to avoid those situations so I don't gain weight and find myself in this emotional state. But the thought of not having those kind of connections and experiences with other people greatly saddens me and makes me feel lonely.
I wish that I could just see those 2 pounds and think, "So, what? I had fun, I've been busy, I'll just get right back into eating healthy and exercising when possible. Not a big deal." It really isn't a big deal. It really isn't the end of the world . . .
. . . So, then, why do I feel like such an incredible failure and disappointment?
Friday, July 13, 2012
The Laws of Physics are Unchangeable
Yesterday morning, I decided to go on a hike before work. There is a nice one about 5 miles long about 1/2 a mile out my back door, but that still meant I'd have to be up at about 5AM. It was totally worth it though!
I had to use my headlamp for about the first 45 minutes, and I placed my iPhone music on stereo to scare the bears away :) One particular song was playing when I came upon the view below at about 6AM (please pardon the blurry shot, the iPhone wasn't meant to capture landscapes):
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I had to use my headlamp for about the first 45 minutes, and I placed my iPhone music on stereo to scare the bears away :) One particular song was playing when I came upon the view below at about 6AM (please pardon the blurry shot, the iPhone wasn't meant to capture landscapes):
I still wasn't to the top of the mountain, but the words of SuperChick's "Beauty from Pain" provided me with one of my infamous nature epiphanies:
"I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn"
I had been using a head lamp, and the shadows were thick, deep, and many . . . But I did turn the light off, and natural light flooded the landscape. It doesn't matter what happens during the night, the sun will come up. Even if there are clouds that block the direct rays, the light still spreads. It's inevitable. A MAJOR disaster has to take place for that light to be blocked out.
So, it got me thinking that the laws of nature and physics tell me that eventually I have to get better right? The alternative is taking part in a major disaster, and personally, I think the above photo is much prettier than a dark haze. I'd rather see more of those moments that than a dark haze.
One might also say that due to the laws of nature, "What goes up must come down!" So, that even if I think I'm recovered, I'll fall again. You know, that may be true. Of course I'd rather have the changes be permanent; This back and forth is exhausting and leaves me unsure about how to define myself. But dusk is as certain as dawn. Maybe I would like to at least have 50% sun than none at all . . . And maybe it's worth enduring the night to see those dawns . . .
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Counting Up the People Who Care
Good day to you all! I realize I've gotten a little side-tracked from my original intent for starting this blog, and I'd like to give you a little update on my progress thus far.
My weight is hovering at about 128, give or take a pound. I've picked up my fitness level. I can tell I'm toning up (clothes fitting much looser), just not as quickly or in the specific areas that I want. I know that progress is progress, and it takes a while to see strong results, but neverthless, I'd still like a little bit of visible encouragement, you know?
Though this might be a good time to mention that my clothes fit essentially the same as they did when I was 8 pounds lighter. I guess this is a testament to the declaration that if you tone up, you may not weigh less, but you'll LOOK better.
I'm still doing ReVAbs, but I had a week where I hadn't done anything at all with it, so I felt bad and restarted. I'm now in the midst of the 3rd week on my restart.
I try to do additional workouts on the sides of my ReVAbs DVDs. I'll either go running or biking, then do this concentrated 5 minutes intense Abworkout right after that. My bike has been out of commission though, and I've been concerned I'm not keeping my dancer flexibility up, so I bought both "Ballet Beautiful" and "New York Ballet Workout" DVDs to suppliment. My ultimate goal is to find time to workout 2-3 times a day, totaling 1 hour - 2.5 hours at least. I've been pretty good for the past week and a half with this plan, and I feel like I've definitely seen more immediate results.
However, I've been struggling with my eating. I won't go into exact details, but suffice it to say I know I haven't been eating enough, but I've been doing it anyway. I've had a bit of a relapse, but I have reached out for help. The problem is, when I reach out for help, I find I usually hit a wall. One of a few things happens:
1) The person I reach out to doesn't know how to help me
2) Financially it is impossible in my situation
3) Not comfortable with the person trying to help me (in the case of finding a therapist)
I've felt like there are no options for me. Like no one is willing to work with me, which clearly means I'm not worth helping (there goes that Black & White mentality again). I had reached out to a residential treatment facility for women that specializes in eating disorders and anxiety. They said they had a good relationship with my insurance company, and it's often very affordable. I allowed myself to sort of get excited and hopeful because I thought a place like this would give me the focus, skills, and direction I finally needed to get a handle on the aspects of myself that I don't like. However, when they came back, the insurance would only cover about 80% of the treatment which sounds awesome except that it means for 1 month in the facility I would have to fork over $6000 when I left.
I had found this therapist in Aspen that I liked (first one in a while that I felt comfortable with, and felt like might actually be able to help me). She gave me a trial session for free, but i could afford her $200/hr rate and she "couldn't" wriggle down to the point where I could afford it. I've felt like a lost cause, and that I have no where to turn to get help.
As an absolute last resort, I called the local Crisis center. The doctor I mentioned in an earlier post had recommended calling the place as they sometimes offer grants for therapy. I spoke with a really lovely woman for a while. She asked a lot of really difficult questions, and it was exhausting trying to get through them, but I knew I had to in order to show I needed help.
She recommened another Doctor that also specializes in eating disorders, but at a much more reasonable price. I looked him up, and he seemed very much into naturalistic and spiritual methods for healing, which I really respond to. I contacted him. He was currently out of the country, but said he'll be back on 07/30, and the lowest he could go I figured I could manage (just means I'll have to adjust my goals of paying off my credit card a bit, but it'll probably be worht it in the long run).
After I got this all worked out, I've been thinking a lot about dealing with my issues on my own versus having people there. Sometimes, it feels like there is no one I can really turn to for help. That no one can really help me, and why would they want to take their own time to deal with my issues?
Well, a couple days ago, my boyfriend found out that his parents are going to have to put his dog down. He was understandably distraught. Immediately, I left work early with him, postponed a couple things, and drove the 2.5 hours to get back to where that dog was. I felt like there wasn't anything I could do to make it better, but I wanted to be that shoulder to cry on, I wanted to be there in case there was some way I could take away the pain. I don't understand that feeling, why it's there if there really is nothing obvious to be done.
I guess I figure now that it's similar to other people trying to help me. Maybe people that are trying to reach out to me know what it's like to hurt, even if it's not in that way exactly, and they just want to be there in case they can take away the pain. The lady at the crisis center didn't know me, but helped out. My boyfriend spends innumerable hours talking to me while I run in circles trying to find an answer. My BeachBody coach has never met me, yet takes time out of her busy life to respond to me personally, and really the list goes on.
Perhaps there is a reason we pull together in hard times. While I don't want to be a burden on anyone, maybe it's Carma. If I accept the help now, maybe I'll have the opportunity to help another in the future.
All I know is that trying to go at it on my own hasn't resulted in any lasting success, so I gotta change it up!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Consistency . . .Friend or Foe?
As I've stated before, I have an "all or nothing" black and white" opinion of things. I've tried to change, but it's difficult to alter something that is at the core of your being. This morning I was heading to the dentist, and was feeling absolutely miserable. I'd had a severe upset stomach last night, and lost vital sleep, woke up exhausted, and now it was 8:15AM, and I was heading to the Dentist to get shot up with Novocaine. Compare that to last night . . .
My boyfriend, my brother and I all went to this nice Sushi place, shared more dishes than I care to recall, then we went to the theatre where I've been working on AVENUE Q (which recently opened). My brother is not a theater person at all, but I thought he might enjoy this show, and he did! I had a blast with my boys in a place that I'm passionate about, and I was feeling very happy and content with myself and life.
Before my boyfriend headed back to his place, he was visiting with me at my apartment, and I was changing for bed, and I looked down and saw that my belly seemed chubbier than earlier that day, and I felt this panic rising in me. I tried to talk with my boyfriend about it to help me gain some perspective, but it was late and he had to head back to his place. I fell asleep hating my body and angry with myself for indulging in the sushi I did with that rice. Then I had the upset stomach wake me up at 2:30, and you know the rest of the story!
I guess what I'd like to draw attention to in this little tale, is how quickly things can change. One moment you can be happy, content, and feeling that things are finally going to be looking up for you. At that moment when you let your guard down, it seems that the universe wants to remind you that life sucks. It brings you back to the reality of your situation.
A song from the show last night kind of makes me think about this. It's the final number:
My boyfriend, my brother and I all went to this nice Sushi place, shared more dishes than I care to recall, then we went to the theatre where I've been working on AVENUE Q (which recently opened). My brother is not a theater person at all, but I thought he might enjoy this show, and he did! I had a blast with my boys in a place that I'm passionate about, and I was feeling very happy and content with myself and life.
Before my boyfriend headed back to his place, he was visiting with me at my apartment, and I was changing for bed, and I looked down and saw that my belly seemed chubbier than earlier that day, and I felt this panic rising in me. I tried to talk with my boyfriend about it to help me gain some perspective, but it was late and he had to head back to his place. I fell asleep hating my body and angry with myself for indulging in the sushi I did with that rice. Then I had the upset stomach wake me up at 2:30, and you know the rest of the story!
I guess what I'd like to draw attention to in this little tale, is how quickly things can change. One moment you can be happy, content, and feeling that things are finally going to be looking up for you. At that moment when you let your guard down, it seems that the universe wants to remind you that life sucks. It brings you back to the reality of your situation.
A song from the show last night kind of makes me think about this. It's the final number:
Saturday, June 30, 2012
How Do You Know When You've Reached the Top?
I was thinking today during one of my workouts "How will I know when I'm 'recovered?'" As part of doing RevAbs, I've been working with an AWESOME Beachbody coach who is very supportive and encouraging. She mentioned that when I've overcome my addiction, she thinks I'd make a great coach myself. But how do I know when that is?
I've heard that people with Eating Disorders don't ever fully recover, that they battle with it all their lives. So, how will I know when my eating is normal, and my workouts are well balanced with the rest of my life? How can I help another if I haven't fully come out the other side myself? How will I know when body image doesn't control my life?
I guess the most important question is "When will I learn to trust myself again?"
This evening I tried on a bikini I'd purchased when I was in Australia at the beginning of my eating disorder, and I was 5 lbs lighter than I am now. The bottoms clearly were slightly too small, there was no getting around that. Overall I know I'm in better shape than I was then, but it's hard to see something that I thought looked all right on me at one time, look not so great anymore. Immediately, I had the thoughts of going back to the diet and exercise plan that I had when I fit into that bikini (900 cals a day, 2 hours of exercise, and more often than not purging what I did eat). I know that losing the weight would be losing muscle mass (especially after speaking to my doctor), but it's still difficult. I wish I could get past that. I wish I could just go shop for a bikini in a slightly larger size and know I look fine, but I am stuck on the sizes I had been.
When will I know that I am safely past all that? There was a time when I thought I'd left all these thoughts and feelings in the dust, and it took an upset and they all came flooding back.
Is changing simply telling yourself "never again" and sticking with it? Those people who've lost insane amounts of weight say "never again" and many keep it off. Could it possibly be that simple for me? Is the fact that I'm open to another relapse what's holding me back?
I think the most important question is, "When will I learn to love and accept my body for what it is and what it does for me?" I know I'm not "fat" by definition, but I feel that way, and I keep telling myself that I'll be happy when I've reached a certain point in my physical appearance, then I can stop worrying. However, my brother pointed out that at that point I'll be worried and stress about maintaining my physique once I get it to where I really want it (if that EVER actually HAPPENS).
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Who am I? . . . Maybe what I am is enough . . . .
It has been way too long since I've posted. To anybody actually out there reading, I'm sorry. My journey has continued, and a couple days ago, I had an interesting experience that got me thinking again.
Around the first week of April I took a bike ride and got a severely debilitating migraine. For 2 months after that, when I'd exercise I'd often get the same migraine that would endure the rest of the next 2 days! I hoped it would get better, but it didn't. I could barely walk upstairs without feeling the pressure of the migraine start building. I finally consented to go to the doctor.
This was the first time I'd seen a doctor since I'd really been struggling with my Eating Disorder behaviors, and I knew I'd need to open up about it. They did blood work which came back fine, and she prescribed physical therapy for my neck. The physical therapy worked wonders and gave me my life back.
A couple days ago, I had a followup with that doctor. She outright told me that "by no means at all am [I] overweight." She didn't want to see me lose any more weight actually because with my frame if I lost weight I'd mostly be losing muscle mass. The weight I want to be (120-125) was way too small in her opinion.
I didn't quite know what to think. In one sense, it made me feel hopeless. Hopeless because I want to be down to at MOST 125, toned, and my goal for 2012 was to get to my body goals in a healthy way. She basically said that I can't achieve the weight I want in a healthy way. If I just concentrate on toning and building strength and muscle definition, then most likely I'll gain weight. I know it'd be muscle, but seeing the numbers on the scale go up like that would be difficult, I know.
So, I feel like I need to decide. Either hang onto my habits and keep dropping weight until I'm where I want to be, or move on and get rid of my bathroom scale and just concentrate on eating healthy and being active.
Granted, I know what I SHOULD do, but honestly when I think about completely moving on from my Eating Disorder I get a little nervous. I went through a lot of change last year in a short period of time. The things I had defined myself by fell away, and nothing was stable. As strange as it sounds, my Disorder has given me comfort. I've had something I could define myself by, something that was mine alone yet connected me with a larger community. And this I could always possess. No one could take it away from me. It has been all mine. A constant companion in a sea of change. If I don't have that to define myself, who am I? What DO I have? Jobs can be lost, you might move to a new place, get new neighbors, your family and friends may leave in pursuit of their own happiness and purpose, but my Eating Disorder is something I can carry with me everywhere. It gives me something to focus on when everything around is confusing and stressful. Do I really want to lose that?
On the otherhand, I didn't always have it, and I got along just fine. So, there WAS a "Me" that existed without my disorder . . . but I've changed since then. What if there is no new me or future me that exists without my disorder?
I had a therapist say to my recently that you stop developing emotionally when you develop an eating disorder because you don't fully accept the changes around you into your growth as a person. If that's true, then I'm still 20 . . .
Now, I just feel like I'm rambling (but remember this blog was more for myself than anyone else, so I'm entitled! :-D ). I guess where I'm going with this is a part of me feels really strongly that there is this awesome person that the world wouldn't even be able to handle if I just gave up this addiction that's got ahold of me, but I also feel incredibly scared to take that step. What if I give it up and find out I'm not such an awesome person? Is that a risk worth taking? Cause then I won't even have my source of comfort and stability. And at that point, those people who think I need to give it up will accept that I have, then be disappointed if I get back into it. I HATE disappointing people, so I'll be left in quiet desperation. Carrying my companion secretly, or suffering without him.
How do I find the courage to take the unknown steps? WHERE do I find that courage? If there is anyone reading this who has gone through a similar experience and has any advice, I'd very much welcome it.
Until next time! . . .
Around the first week of April I took a bike ride and got a severely debilitating migraine. For 2 months after that, when I'd exercise I'd often get the same migraine that would endure the rest of the next 2 days! I hoped it would get better, but it didn't. I could barely walk upstairs without feeling the pressure of the migraine start building. I finally consented to go to the doctor.
This was the first time I'd seen a doctor since I'd really been struggling with my Eating Disorder behaviors, and I knew I'd need to open up about it. They did blood work which came back fine, and she prescribed physical therapy for my neck. The physical therapy worked wonders and gave me my life back.
A couple days ago, I had a followup with that doctor. She outright told me that "by no means at all am [I] overweight." She didn't want to see me lose any more weight actually because with my frame if I lost weight I'd mostly be losing muscle mass. The weight I want to be (120-125) was way too small in her opinion.
I didn't quite know what to think. In one sense, it made me feel hopeless. Hopeless because I want to be down to at MOST 125, toned, and my goal for 2012 was to get to my body goals in a healthy way. She basically said that I can't achieve the weight I want in a healthy way. If I just concentrate on toning and building strength and muscle definition, then most likely I'll gain weight. I know it'd be muscle, but seeing the numbers on the scale go up like that would be difficult, I know.
So, I feel like I need to decide. Either hang onto my habits and keep dropping weight until I'm where I want to be, or move on and get rid of my bathroom scale and just concentrate on eating healthy and being active.
Granted, I know what I SHOULD do, but honestly when I think about completely moving on from my Eating Disorder I get a little nervous. I went through a lot of change last year in a short period of time. The things I had defined myself by fell away, and nothing was stable. As strange as it sounds, my Disorder has given me comfort. I've had something I could define myself by, something that was mine alone yet connected me with a larger community. And this I could always possess. No one could take it away from me. It has been all mine. A constant companion in a sea of change. If I don't have that to define myself, who am I? What DO I have? Jobs can be lost, you might move to a new place, get new neighbors, your family and friends may leave in pursuit of their own happiness and purpose, but my Eating Disorder is something I can carry with me everywhere. It gives me something to focus on when everything around is confusing and stressful. Do I really want to lose that?
On the otherhand, I didn't always have it, and I got along just fine. So, there WAS a "Me" that existed without my disorder . . . but I've changed since then. What if there is no new me or future me that exists without my disorder?
I had a therapist say to my recently that you stop developing emotionally when you develop an eating disorder because you don't fully accept the changes around you into your growth as a person. If that's true, then I'm still 20 . . .
Now, I just feel like I'm rambling (but remember this blog was more for myself than anyone else, so I'm entitled! :-D ). I guess where I'm going with this is a part of me feels really strongly that there is this awesome person that the world wouldn't even be able to handle if I just gave up this addiction that's got ahold of me, but I also feel incredibly scared to take that step. What if I give it up and find out I'm not such an awesome person? Is that a risk worth taking? Cause then I won't even have my source of comfort and stability. And at that point, those people who think I need to give it up will accept that I have, then be disappointed if I get back into it. I HATE disappointing people, so I'll be left in quiet desperation. Carrying my companion secretly, or suffering without him.
How do I find the courage to take the unknown steps? WHERE do I find that courage? If there is anyone reading this who has gone through a similar experience and has any advice, I'd very much welcome it.
Until next time! . . .
Thursday, May 10, 2012
It's Been A While, But I'm Still Moving Forward
Hello, Friends!
I'm so sorry I've been so long in writing! I've been keeping busy and just haven't taken the time to record my progress. Well, here is a little catch up:
As of this morning, I now weigh 133 pounds! That's a total weight loss of 4 lbs in about 4 weeks! That's been my goal (to lose a pound a week), as steady consistant weight loss has been shown to be the most lasting. A few days ago, I'd measured my waist and had lost 1.25 inches already! A pair of shorts I didn't enjoy wearing when I began this blog because they fit a lot snugger than when I purchased them, have been frequenting my hips this last week. They still don't fit as loose as I'd like them too, but at least now they are comfortable.
As far as workouts of RevAbs goes, I'm still plugging along, though I'm only 2 weeks along in the actual program schedule. Being a perfectionist, I've found this a little hard to deal with. Normally, when I fail at something like that I quit and start over because it has to be right. However, that doesn't mean I haven't been active. Most of the days that I didn't do one of the program's videos, I was very active in other ways, hiking, biking (pitifully so), fishing, etc. Then, when I have no other activities planned, I'll do a DVD of RevAbs.
Diet-wise, I haven't stayed perfect on what I wanted to do with that either. I've splurged more than planned, and admittedly when I had an extremely stressful situation, I grabbed a bag of Double Chocolate Melt Milano Cookies, binged, and promptly purged. That was May 1st, but I've been "sober," as far as my Eating Disorder is concerned, since then.
Again, this process is give and take. That's really tough to mentally figure out anyway, but I found a good link today, that had a phrase pop out at me:
I'm so sorry I've been so long in writing! I've been keeping busy and just haven't taken the time to record my progress. Well, here is a little catch up:
As of this morning, I now weigh 133 pounds! That's a total weight loss of 4 lbs in about 4 weeks! That's been my goal (to lose a pound a week), as steady consistant weight loss has been shown to be the most lasting. A few days ago, I'd measured my waist and had lost 1.25 inches already! A pair of shorts I didn't enjoy wearing when I began this blog because they fit a lot snugger than when I purchased them, have been frequenting my hips this last week. They still don't fit as loose as I'd like them too, but at least now they are comfortable.
As far as workouts of RevAbs goes, I'm still plugging along, though I'm only 2 weeks along in the actual program schedule. Being a perfectionist, I've found this a little hard to deal with. Normally, when I fail at something like that I quit and start over because it has to be right. However, that doesn't mean I haven't been active. Most of the days that I didn't do one of the program's videos, I was very active in other ways, hiking, biking (pitifully so), fishing, etc. Then, when I have no other activities planned, I'll do a DVD of RevAbs.
Diet-wise, I haven't stayed perfect on what I wanted to do with that either. I've splurged more than planned, and admittedly when I had an extremely stressful situation, I grabbed a bag of Double Chocolate Melt Milano Cookies, binged, and promptly purged. That was May 1st, but I've been "sober," as far as my Eating Disorder is concerned, since then.
Again, this process is give and take. That's really tough to mentally figure out anyway, but I found a good link today, that had a phrase pop out at me:
"It is hard to remember we are aiming for balance, not perfection. It is very important for us to claim our successes in achieving balance and attaining perspective, in identifying our needs and in developing more resilient relationships with ourselves, with others and with food."
The above quote has helped me realize that it isn't about eating a super strict diet to be healthy, or having a regimented workout schedule. That's not exactly practical with the kind of life I want to lead and be involved in. It's all about balance, and keeping the set-backs in perspective instead of freaking out like I used to.
Surprisingly, the past couple days I've felt at peace with my body and my eating. I've started actually thinking and believing that I've felt satisfied without the urge to keep eating, and when I do eat a little to much too fast and feel full, while my first instinct is "purge", there is a recognizable voice that says "Why?" I try to answer the question, but the best I can come up with is, "My stomach feels too full, and it will feel better if I do this." The voice then responds, "Relax, and it will get better." So, I decide to listen to the voice, and guess what . . . The voice is right!
I am on my guard however, because this is how I felt last fall/early winter when I thought I was coming out of this for good, then I relapsed. So I'm excited about my progress, but I also know that there is a lot of work ahead, and I'll have good days and bad days continually.
Until next time . . . !!!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Day 8 - No Body is Perfect
Hello there!
So, 1 week in, and things are progressing nicely as far as my RevAbs program goes.
So, 1 week in, and things are progressing nicely as far as my RevAbs program goes.
Current Weight: 135 lbs
Weight Loss Since Starting: 2 lbs
While I clearly have lost some weight, some things have occurred that have really set me to thinking.
First of all, I need to let you know that I'm an "all-or-nothing" nothing type of individual. Apparently, a lot of people with my same issues are. We see things in black and white. We are perfectionists. I think that's why complete recovery from these Disorders is rare. We have a small set back that isn't a part of the "plan," and we get discouraged thinking, "Well, I've messed it up now. Clearly I can't do this, so, why bother continuing?"
My Meal Plan
I had a set meal plan, what I was going to eat and when. But then there people were leaving town, and there were celebrations and free, tasty treats were offered. I succumbed to temptation more than I am proud to admit - that's the negative aspect.
The positive aspect is that I didn't indulge like I normally would have. I kept my portion sizes on my "cheats" quite reasonable, and I purged less.
***(I guess I haven't really mentioned any details about my Eating Disorder up to this point . . . Well, I dabble in pretty much every eating disorder behavior depending on my mood, the type of situation, and the type of anxiety. Most commonly though, I would be considered to be a purger. Not bulimic, but purging. I can eat a normal, reasonable amount of food, and I feel like I have to purge it. Granted, occasionally I will binge, but it isn't on crazy amounts of food like you see on these documentaries. The most it may be is a pint of ice cream in one sitting, or a pack of mint Milano cookies on a separate occassion. Pretty normal indulgent amounts compared to other people from what I understand, but it doesn't sit right with me. I also tend to indulge more when the food is free. As I'm budget conscience, I tend to take advantage when free food is offered . . . but again, it usually doesn't stay where I first put it.)***
My Exercise Plan
Negative: Technically I got behind 2 days on the workout video calendar.
Positive: I still was active on those days off, and the only reason I didn't workout those days was because I was having fun doing something else. The first day I missed I went on a brisk 2 hour hike with my boyfriend and had an amazing time. The next day, We went for a long drive up this canyon, exploring for hiking/backpacking trails, biking/camping areas, and fishing spots. Not too much activity, but we would stop and walk around some places looking.
Another positive is the fact that in this part of the workout plan, I rotate 3 videos. Yesterday was the second time I did video 2, and already I noticed I had increased strength and endurance for things in the workout I had struggled with the first time.
On Saturday night, something triggered me to spiral into a constant depression for the next day. Luckily, I have a form of self-medication that works fairly well and I'm pretty much out of it at this moment. But I went back in deep and fast. I had borrowed a pair of my boyfriends basketball shorts, and he said to me, "Hey, those fit you about the same as they do me." It was said innocently, him just speaking his mind, not even trying to directly comment to me, and I went off. I withdrew, and started feeling everything I did was a failure. I was fat (Because as a girl, boys things should be baggie on me right?) . . . it was bad. Almost ruined the fishing trip the next day because of feeling so down. I got out and did things while I just wanted to lay in bed and pretend to not exist. In that frame of mind, my anorexic brain takes over. The last time I was the weight I wanted to be was due to severe restriction and exercising. I started figuring I just needed to restrict again (since I'm already on the exercise plan), and I'll lose the weight. But he made very clear that he "will not stand by and watch me destroy" myself. So my brain cycled to where I could keep things a secret from him.
However, we then talked about what it was like to be inside myself when I was at my lightest weight. And it's a dark place I never really want to go back to, and I cant think that it would be any different if I took the same route. But in that sudden depressive state, I was willing to go back there for some reason.
My boyfriend tried to talk me through the fact that reality is not perfect, people are not perfect, and setbacks happen, they just do. Setbacks don't mean you've failed and should give up. Still in my brain it does feel like a failure, though. I mean, I had an outlined plan, didn't follow the plan as outlined, so isn't that a failure? But I do see the other side, where in I could still keep going, finish the program even if it takes a few extra days. I guess it's like college. Doesn't matter if it takes 10 years or 2 years to get a bachelor's degree, you still end up with an equivalent degree.
Me being who I am, it's still hard to keep the "gray area" thing in perspective, but I made progress this past week. In both exercising and controlling my eating and E.D. behaviors there is improvement - though not exactly "visual improvement" from an outsider's perspective. I still haven't gotten where I want to be with it all, but I guess progress is progress - it's one more step towards the top of my mountain.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Day 1 - RevAbs
Well, last Friday my new exercise program finally came in the mail, as well as my dumbells! Since the calendar provided in the program package started on a Monday, I decided to give myself a "last weekend" where I was lazy and didn't worry about what I ate. It was nice, but I couldn't wait to get started!
The program asks you to record certain stats to moniter changes and progress. They even include a set of fat calipers to help you figure out your body fat percentage. So, as much as it is slightly embarrassing, here are my beginning stats:
Overall, as a 5'3" tall female, I am in the normal/ideal range on everything. While I was thinking about my current stats, I started having thoughts like, "I want to get down to 120 lbs again" and "I want my waist to be 24 inches again." Then I realized I have to squash those thoughts. It's nice to have those sorts of goals, but those aren't things I can completely control. Goals need to be things that can be mostly controlled by me in order for this to be a success. So, my goal is this:
The program asks you to record certain stats to moniter changes and progress. They even include a set of fat calipers to help you figure out your body fat percentage. So, as much as it is slightly embarrassing, here are my beginning stats:
Weight: 137 lbs
Waist: 28"
Body Fat %: 23.8
Overall, as a 5'3" tall female, I am in the normal/ideal range on everything. While I was thinking about my current stats, I started having thoughts like, "I want to get down to 120 lbs again" and "I want my waist to be 24 inches again." Then I realized I have to squash those thoughts. It's nice to have those sorts of goals, but those aren't things I can completely control. Goals need to be things that can be mostly controlled by me in order for this to be a success. So, my goal is this:
Eat healthy, balanced meals (and keep them down), and do each exercise when the plan says.
The way I see it, if those things are my goals, and I'm only recording weight and inches occassionally to keep track of progress and look back on, I can't be disappointed in myself. Those goals are entirely in my grasp to accomplish.
As far as Day 1 exercising goes, it was great! I wasn't as vigorous as I wanted to be because I'm in a second floor apartment and I hate being the loud, abnoxious one in the mornings, but I did the best I could! I won't have to worry about it for about a month here soon though. I live in employee housing, and the resort I work at is doing a spring closure/cleaning, and most of my neighbors are leaving for that time because they don't have work. In the department I work in I still have full time work, so I'm gonna be sticking around and exercising vigorously each morning! :)
So Day 1 of exercising down, now the hard part will be focusing on the food aspect of things. I know it's not going to be easy the next 90 days after my Disorder has thrown my food habits all over the place, but that's one reason why I'm doing this. I want to get back to having a healthy relationship with food and reclaim my power over it. It shouldn't be able to control me like it has been.
Wish me luck, because here I go!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
A Broken World
"i thank You God for most this amazing"
by: e.e. cummings
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
This morning I had to be to work at 10:30AM. I had wanted to hike the past couple days, but one thing led to another and I haven't been out since my second post. I decided to hit the sack a little earlier last night so I could get up early and do at least a couple hours before I had to get ready for work. And am I ever glad I did it! I went on the Hunter Creek Trail again. It was quite cool, and the sun hadn't yet been able to break over the mountains. The stillness and the quiet was incredibly calming. I explored a few short trails coming off the main one, and that was fun. At one moment, I was overlooking the river, thinking about Jane's Addiction's song "Broken People." One phrase goes:
Welcome to the world
Welcome to the aching world
A woeful world
Of Broken People
When I was having a really difficult time with my Eating Disorder and depression, that's how I oftened described myself to my ex-husband - "Broken." I felt broken, unfixable, and I felt that no one in the world deserved to have to deal with my issues. In the past while (and thanks to Jane's Addiction), I've come to understand a little better that everyone is broken in some way. So then the next question came to mind: If people are broken, shouldn't we get fixed?
I don't know what your spiritual or deity beliefs are, but I believe in God. I believe that He has a plan, but doesn't have direct and specific influence on day to day things. I guess I believe He's kind of like a super hero - if you believe that He's there, when you need it, He'll show up to help. I've felt closer to God through nature than just about anything else. It seems he uses it to speak to me when nothing else makes sense.
Well, today as I was thinking about why so many people are broken and seem unfixable in this world. Then, it came to me - it has to be that way. Allow me to explain:
I was looking around at the mountains. Beautiful and majestic, unique and awe-inspiring . . . Well, they are simply broken earth. I observed the river . . . If the boulders hadn't broken loose, there wouldn't have been a river. If things hadn't been broken in this earth, it would be one smooth, flat surface that would essentially be unihabitable. God needed to allow things to be broken so that other things could grow and expand.
I am Broken. But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of being beautiful, majestic, unique, and awe-inspiring just like the mountains. I guess the trick is to embrace my cracks. They aren't fixable (things happen that you can't just cover and forget), but I'm sure there is something valuable that they can provide (like space for a river to flow through). Every cloud has a silver lining, and every break has meaning.
This truly is a wonderful, broken world, and that's the way God needs it to be. Even if we don't exactly understand why, I believe we will in time.
I don't know what your spiritual or deity beliefs are, but I believe in God. I believe that He has a plan, but doesn't have direct and specific influence on day to day things. I guess I believe He's kind of like a super hero - if you believe that He's there, when you need it, He'll show up to help. I've felt closer to God through nature than just about anything else. It seems he uses it to speak to me when nothing else makes sense.
Well, today as I was thinking about why so many people are broken and seem unfixable in this world. Then, it came to me - it has to be that way. Allow me to explain:
I was looking around at the mountains. Beautiful and majestic, unique and awe-inspiring . . . Well, they are simply broken earth. I observed the river . . . If the boulders hadn't broken loose, there wouldn't have been a river. If things hadn't been broken in this earth, it would be one smooth, flat surface that would essentially be unihabitable. God needed to allow things to be broken so that other things could grow and expand.
I am Broken. But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of being beautiful, majestic, unique, and awe-inspiring just like the mountains. I guess the trick is to embrace my cracks. They aren't fixable (things happen that you can't just cover and forget), but I'm sure there is something valuable that they can provide (like space for a river to flow through). Every cloud has a silver lining, and every break has meaning.
This truly is a wonderful, broken world, and that's the way God needs it to be. Even if we don't exactly understand why, I believe we will in time.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Coming to Terms With Recovery
No, RevAbs and my equipment have not arrived yet, but again, I had some thoughts that I wanted to put down.
As I'm attempting to be active in my Eating Disorder recovery, today I was searching for tips online. One had the usual suggestions, but also included a link to a support website (somethingfishy.org). I was intrigued because a support system is the #1 thing that I've felt was lacking in my recovery attempts. I've recently started dating this wondeful guy who has been a surprising support for me, though I still have difficulty confiding in him.
I've had MANY long distance situations with many types of relationships, and it's all led my brain to conclude that I can only count on myself. If I rely on a single person (or even a team of people), they are bound to leave. It's just the facts of life. Nothing stays the same, and people leave you. My concern is that if I've made someone besides myself the foundation of my recovery, and then that support system is suddenly no longer there, what is stopping me from relapsing again?
However, I also recognize the fact that I can't recover from these issues without some help or support system. It would be like someone trying to give themself a heart transplant . . . It doesn't work exactly. The recovery part is mine, but I need a little assistance to make it through to that point and gain the strength to carry on.
Anyway . . .
As I read through a few of the support forums on somethingfishy.org, I realized that something that works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Many other girls in Eating Disorder Recovery suggested reading when you are having a difficult day/moment to distract you from doing what you may normally do with this disorder. I love to read, but when I am anxious, I can't focus on reading a novel at all.
Some people might think that doing a workout challenge is the opposite of Eating Disorder recovery, and that it would be a trigger, but I honestly don't believe that in my case. One of my issues is that I can never seem to find a healthy balance for myself. Having done loads of research, I know what a person SHOULD be eating and exercising, but I can't seem to relate it to my own life. The food always seems too much, and the exercise to little. I honestly feel that following a program will give me focus, stability and direction. It will form new habits in me and help me starting creating a new healthy balance for myself.
Also, one of the things that gets me down is that I don't feel that I'm good enough at anything. I don't even feel like I'm good enough at having an eating disorder. I'm a very goal oriented person, and my eating disorder has made it very difficult for me to accomplish my dietary and physical goals (believe it or not!). With an outlined exercise program, I can (and will!) reset. I'll be able to have guidance and see that I can accomplish a difficult goal that I set out to do. It's only 90 days, but I believe something like this could be a key turning point.
I do see a downside being that I want to learn how to accept my body the way I am now and just be healthy and active, and doing the program still is making me focus on the physical appearance and numbers aspect of things, but I figure it's baby steps. I can't tackle every side of my Eating Disorder at once. I have to pick what I think will most quickly and efficiently give me strength and focus to be able to work on the remainder of the issues.
By the end of writing this third post, I've come to realize something. I actually AM embracing "recovery." For a while now, I've had the "well-I-only-do-it-a-little-bit-so-what-can-it-hurt" attitude. But depending on circumstances, that little does tend to get very large very quickly and cause severe challenges. I've resisted fully admitting my problem, making the excuse that it "isn't a big deal," while knowing that it really is. I've held onto this problem for fear of fully letting it go and seeing who I am without it . . . But no longer!
I feel a certain peace in bringing my issues into this light (though I'm pretty sure no one is even reading this blog, lol), and an excitement (though still trepidation) at the prospect of not letting something so small control my life. I want to take back my life. I want to feel peace again. And through acknowledging my past and present situations as real and in dire need of change, I feel a small bit of strength in moving forward.
Thank you for taking this journey with me!
As I'm attempting to be active in my Eating Disorder recovery, today I was searching for tips online. One had the usual suggestions, but also included a link to a support website (somethingfishy.org). I was intrigued because a support system is the #1 thing that I've felt was lacking in my recovery attempts. I've recently started dating this wondeful guy who has been a surprising support for me, though I still have difficulty confiding in him.
I've had MANY long distance situations with many types of relationships, and it's all led my brain to conclude that I can only count on myself. If I rely on a single person (or even a team of people), they are bound to leave. It's just the facts of life. Nothing stays the same, and people leave you. My concern is that if I've made someone besides myself the foundation of my recovery, and then that support system is suddenly no longer there, what is stopping me from relapsing again?
However, I also recognize the fact that I can't recover from these issues without some help or support system. It would be like someone trying to give themself a heart transplant . . . It doesn't work exactly. The recovery part is mine, but I need a little assistance to make it through to that point and gain the strength to carry on.
Anyway . . .
As I read through a few of the support forums on somethingfishy.org, I realized that something that works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Many other girls in Eating Disorder Recovery suggested reading when you are having a difficult day/moment to distract you from doing what you may normally do with this disorder. I love to read, but when I am anxious, I can't focus on reading a novel at all.
Some people might think that doing a workout challenge is the opposite of Eating Disorder recovery, and that it would be a trigger, but I honestly don't believe that in my case. One of my issues is that I can never seem to find a healthy balance for myself. Having done loads of research, I know what a person SHOULD be eating and exercising, but I can't seem to relate it to my own life. The food always seems too much, and the exercise to little. I honestly feel that following a program will give me focus, stability and direction. It will form new habits in me and help me starting creating a new healthy balance for myself.
Also, one of the things that gets me down is that I don't feel that I'm good enough at anything. I don't even feel like I'm good enough at having an eating disorder. I'm a very goal oriented person, and my eating disorder has made it very difficult for me to accomplish my dietary and physical goals (believe it or not!). With an outlined exercise program, I can (and will!) reset. I'll be able to have guidance and see that I can accomplish a difficult goal that I set out to do. It's only 90 days, but I believe something like this could be a key turning point.
I do see a downside being that I want to learn how to accept my body the way I am now and just be healthy and active, and doing the program still is making me focus on the physical appearance and numbers aspect of things, but I figure it's baby steps. I can't tackle every side of my Eating Disorder at once. I have to pick what I think will most quickly and efficiently give me strength and focus to be able to work on the remainder of the issues.
By the end of writing this third post, I've come to realize something. I actually AM embracing "recovery." For a while now, I've had the "well-I-only-do-it-a-little-bit-so-what-can-it-hurt" attitude. But depending on circumstances, that little does tend to get very large very quickly and cause severe challenges. I've resisted fully admitting my problem, making the excuse that it "isn't a big deal," while knowing that it really is. I've held onto this problem for fear of fully letting it go and seeing who I am without it . . . But no longer!
I feel a certain peace in bringing my issues into this light (though I'm pretty sure no one is even reading this blog, lol), and an excitement (though still trepidation) at the prospect of not letting something so small control my life. I want to take back my life. I want to feel peace again. And through acknowledging my past and present situations as real and in dire need of change, I feel a small bit of strength in moving forward.
Thank you for taking this journey with me!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Looking at the Past
So my Workout Challenge won't officially start until my program/equipment comes in the mail, but I did some physical activity yesterday, and had some thoughts I wanted to share.
I currently live in Aspen, CO (and no, I'm definitely not rich!). There is amazing access to outdoor activities. Yesterday was Easter, and I was on my own in the afternoon. I decided to go exploring an area I'd heard a lot about, but hadn't ventured to yet: Hunter Creek Trail - Smuggler Mountain
I really only had a time where I wanted to be back, other than that, my goal was just to explore and have a good time.
It was a GORGEOUS day to be out! I would have preferred to have been skiing, of course, but it was a good alternative since the unseasonbly warm weather has made me hang up my skis until next season.
While I was walking, I was thinking about a time before my Eating Disorder got ahold of me:
It was summer 2010, and I was working backstage at the Utah Shakespearean Festival. My room mate/Best Friend was an actress there that summer, and one night she got called in to understudy a role. It was terrifying, stressful, and exhilarating for her, but she did awesome! Afterwards she came up, gave me a hug and said, "I just want to eat ice cream!" At this time she was doing the P-90X program. She is a dancer and already has an amazing body, but was always wanting to be better for her art. I responded very genuinely, "You can have ice cream. Once won't hurt, you've been really good." Also that same summer, if someone brought in homemade donuts I wouldn't hesitate. That's not to say I was a food binger. When I would go home for lunch or dinner I'd have a salad or some fish with veggies. I ate healthy, but I wasn't afraid when a yummy treat came along. Food and I had a healthy relationship, and it was an asset to my life. It didn't control me.
I was thinking about how quickly things can change. Just a couple months later I could barely shop in a normal grocery store without having a panic attack.
I keep trying to think about how I was able to have that kind of attitude. It was freedom in a lot of ways. I was aware of how I looked and what I ate, but it didn't preoccupy my life. It wasn't the focus. These days I've wondered who I'd be without my Eating Disorder. I've been reluctant, and even afraid to let go completely because I feel like it's been a part of who I am for so long, I don't know how I'd get along without it. But yesterday, on my hike, I realized that 2 years ago, I was that way. I handled my stresses in a healthier way. I had balance in my life, and I was happy.
I guess now that I have a time period to look at that I can see clearly was unecumbered with Eating Disorder habits, maybe I can use that as a framework for moving forward. Reestablishing new habits. I know it doesn't mean I won't have those desires anymore, but I think it could be a step in the right direction.
I want to be able to hike like I did yesterday, and when I was at my worst, I couldn't do anything physical without it being extremely painful. There is so much to enjoy, and while no addiction is easy to overcome, others have done it, so I should be able to as well.
I guess it's like how the seasons change:
I currently live in Aspen, CO (and no, I'm definitely not rich!). There is amazing access to outdoor activities. Yesterday was Easter, and I was on my own in the afternoon. I decided to go exploring an area I'd heard a lot about, but hadn't ventured to yet: Hunter Creek Trail - Smuggler Mountain
I really only had a time where I wanted to be back, other than that, my goal was just to explore and have a good time.
It was a GORGEOUS day to be out! I would have preferred to have been skiing, of course, but it was a good alternative since the unseasonbly warm weather has made me hang up my skis until next season.
While I was walking, I was thinking about a time before my Eating Disorder got ahold of me:
It was summer 2010, and I was working backstage at the Utah Shakespearean Festival. My room mate/Best Friend was an actress there that summer, and one night she got called in to understudy a role. It was terrifying, stressful, and exhilarating for her, but she did awesome! Afterwards she came up, gave me a hug and said, "I just want to eat ice cream!" At this time she was doing the P-90X program. She is a dancer and already has an amazing body, but was always wanting to be better for her art. I responded very genuinely, "You can have ice cream. Once won't hurt, you've been really good." Also that same summer, if someone brought in homemade donuts I wouldn't hesitate. That's not to say I was a food binger. When I would go home for lunch or dinner I'd have a salad or some fish with veggies. I ate healthy, but I wasn't afraid when a yummy treat came along. Food and I had a healthy relationship, and it was an asset to my life. It didn't control me.
I was thinking about how quickly things can change. Just a couple months later I could barely shop in a normal grocery store without having a panic attack.
I keep trying to think about how I was able to have that kind of attitude. It was freedom in a lot of ways. I was aware of how I looked and what I ate, but it didn't preoccupy my life. It wasn't the focus. These days I've wondered who I'd be without my Eating Disorder. I've been reluctant, and even afraid to let go completely because I feel like it's been a part of who I am for so long, I don't know how I'd get along without it. But yesterday, on my hike, I realized that 2 years ago, I was that way. I handled my stresses in a healthier way. I had balance in my life, and I was happy.
I guess now that I have a time period to look at that I can see clearly was unecumbered with Eating Disorder habits, maybe I can use that as a framework for moving forward. Reestablishing new habits. I know it doesn't mean I won't have those desires anymore, but I think it could be a step in the right direction.
I want to be able to hike like I did yesterday, and when I was at my worst, I couldn't do anything physical without it being extremely painful. There is so much to enjoy, and while no addiction is easy to overcome, others have done it, so I should be able to as well.
I guess it's like how the seasons change:
There are flowers, plants, wildlife. Then, the days grow darker, things get cold, the wildlife sleeps, and snow covers the plants and landscape. You almost forget what the colors of the landscape are in that blank white chill. The warmth seems so far away. But then, the snow starts to melt, and you get a glimpse of what's underneath, you are reminded of the way things used to be, and you know that it can only be a matter of time before things are restored the way they were. All it takes is time . . . and patience!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The Beginning
Hello! So I always wonder how these blogs get started, and I guess I'm about to find out!
A little about me:
I have been struggling with Eating Disorder behaviors for the last year and a half. I was in a very dark place, and a lot was changing around me in my life. I spiralled further and further down. However, a few months ago I was feeling good. I thought I was finally getting a hold on things and was coming out the other side. Then, (as many of you who've had similar struggles know) an event occurred that sent me spiralling into a relapse. I've spent the last 3 months trying to fight going back into the deep pit I found myself in last year, but I feel like I've barely been staying afloat.
I've always wanted to have a toned body with defined Abs (Hey, who among us doesn't want that!). My New Year's resolution was to get my dream body (both in appearance and in how I feel about myself) without any of my Eating Disorder habits. I haven't been as successful as I've hoped so far, but there is still a lot of 2012 left!
Conventional Therapy has not been very effective for me thus far, so, I decided to try something unconventional . . . Hence, this Blog was born!
My plan is to take you on a 3 month journey with me to start out. I'm going to be doing the RevAbs workout program and documenting all my meals, body weight and measurements, workouts, progress pics, as well as emotions along the way. My idea is that since a lot about having an Eating Disorder is keeping what you are doing secret, by bringing what I'm doing out into the light, I'll be able to see things more clearly, and gain more ground on my recovery
Thanks for reading, and HAPPY JOURNEY!
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