Last night, as my boyfriend kissed me goodnight and goodbye to go back to his place, I whispered in his ear, "Today was Day 1." What I meant was, it was the first day I didn't binge, purge, restrict my diet, or exercise.
He responded, "You've gotta start somewhere, now you just gotta keep going."
I felt good last night. A little concerned about not having exercised and having gone out with friends to share some appetizers and a glass of wine, but the feeling of being with them and having such a good time was so good I wasn't overly concerned about it. I knew with my work schedule the next day I wouldn't be able to find time to workout either with everything I needed to get done. Again, though, last night it wasn't a great concern.
Then, in the light of day, everything came back to me. I weigh myself everymorning, and yesterday the scale said 125.5. This morning, however, it registered at 127.5. I knew it would probably be a little higher, but 2 pounds?!!!
My insides started back flipping (if I could burn calories with that I'd never have to exercise). My appetite went away in the blink of an eye, and all I could think was "when can I work out?" When I realized that most likely I wouldn't be able to get it in today, I could feel my anxiety level rising higher and higher. I feel bloated and like a failure. I literally had to FORCE myself to drink a cup of coconut milk for breakfast (totalling 45 calories) and directly afterward I felt like purging it. I didn't, though (mostly because my room mate was standing right there quite honestly).
I'm trying to force myself to get a few calories because I know if I just stop cold turkey after have a little splurging the last couple days, my body my think it's starving and hold onto things even more. So I'm trying to take it down little by little. But I feel like until I can go spend a couple hours working out I'm not going to feel better.
It's frustrating because it is such a mixed feeling. Last night, my boyfriend (who I've been with now over 5 months :-D) told me quite insistantly how gorgeous I was. He said, "I know I don't always say it this way, but you really are just gorgeous. I look at you and think . . . I must have done something really good in a past life." He added a few details to that, but it just meant so much to me. But why can't I see it.
Part of my feeling though, is that he said those things on a day I weighed 2 pounds less than I do now. So, the conclusion is drawn that I'm not gorgeous anymore or I've disappointed or let him down in someway because I've gained. When I think about that conclusion logically, it doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.
I'm frustrated with myself because I can't just go out and have a nice evening with friends and let it be. I LOVED that feeling last night. Not over indulging, but treating ourselves, having a good time, laughing. No one was talking about exercising or the caloric or protein content of food. No one was talking about how toned, tiny, or fat anyone was. It was just a genuine human connection. That's how it should be all the time.
The next day though . . . I pay for my normality. And now I'm stressed, frustrated, and angry with myself. While I know this isn't right, I feel like maybe I just need to avoid those situations so I don't gain weight and find myself in this emotional state. But the thought of not having those kind of connections and experiences with other people greatly saddens me and makes me feel lonely.
I wish that I could just see those 2 pounds and think, "So, what? I had fun, I've been busy, I'll just get right back into eating healthy and exercising when possible. Not a big deal." It really isn't a big deal. It really isn't the end of the world . . .
. . . So, then, why do I feel like such an incredible failure and disappointment?
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