Looking at the Past

So my Workout Challenge won't officially start until my program/equipment comes in the mail, but I did some physical activity yesterday, and had some thoughts I wanted to share.

I currently live in Aspen, CO (and no, I'm definitely not rich!). There is amazing access to outdoor activities. Yesterday was Easter, and I was on my own in the afternoon. I decided to go exploring an area I'd heard a lot about, but hadn't ventured to yet: Hunter Creek Trail - Smuggler Mountain

I really only had a time where I wanted to be back, other than that, my goal was just to explore and have a good time.

It was a GORGEOUS day to be out! I would have preferred to have been skiing, of course, but it was a good alternative since the unseasonbly warm weather has made me hang up my skis until next season.

While I was walking, I was thinking about a time before my Eating Disorder got ahold of me:

It was summer 2010, and I was working backstage at the Utah Shakespearean Festival. My room mate/Best Friend was an actress there that summer, and one night she got called in to understudy a role. It was terrifying, stressful, and exhilarating for her, but she did awesome! Afterwards she came up, gave me a hug and said, "I just want to eat ice cream!" At this time she was doing the P-90X program. She is a dancer and already has an amazing body, but was always wanting to be better for her art. I responded very genuinely, "You can have ice cream. Once won't hurt, you've been really good." Also that same summer, if someone brought in homemade donuts I wouldn't hesitate. That's not to say I was a food binger. When I would go home for lunch or dinner I'd have a salad or some fish with veggies. I ate healthy, but I wasn't afraid when a yummy treat came along. Food and I had a healthy relationship, and it was an asset to my life. It didn't control me.

I was thinking about how quickly things can change. Just a couple months later I could barely shop in a normal grocery store without having a panic attack.

I keep trying to think about how I was able to have that kind of attitude. It was freedom in a lot of ways. I was aware of how I looked and what I ate, but it didn't preoccupy my life. It wasn't the focus. These days I've wondered who I'd be without my Eating Disorder. I've been reluctant, and even afraid to let go completely because I feel like it's been a part of who I am for so long, I don't know how I'd get along without it. But yesterday, on my hike, I realized that 2 years ago, I was that way. I handled my stresses in a healthier way. I had balance in my life, and I was happy.

I guess now that I have a time period to look at that I can see clearly was unecumbered with Eating Disorder habits, maybe I can use that as a framework for moving forward. Reestablishing new habits. I know it doesn't mean I won't have those desires anymore, but I think it could be a step in the right direction.

I want to be able to hike like I did yesterday, and when I was at my worst, I couldn't do anything physical without it being extremely painful. There is so much to enjoy, and while no addiction is easy to overcome, others have done it, so I should be able to as well.

I guess it's like how the seasons change:

There are flowers, plants, wildlife. Then, the days grow darker, things get cold, the wildlife sleeps, and snow covers the plants and landscape. You almost forget what the colors of the landscape are in that blank white chill. The warmth seems so far away. But then, the snow starts to melt, and you get a glimpse of what's underneath, you are reminded of the way things used to be, and you know that it can only be a matter of time before things are restored the way they were. All it takes is time . . . and patience!