As I've stated before, I have an "all or nothing" black and white" opinion of things. I've tried to change, but it's difficult to alter something that is at the core of your being. This morning I was heading to the dentist, and was feeling absolutely miserable. I'd had a severe upset stomach last night, and lost vital sleep, woke up exhausted, and now it was 8:15AM, and I was heading to the Dentist to get shot up with Novocaine. Compare that to last night . . .
My boyfriend, my brother and I all went to this nice Sushi place, shared more dishes than I care to recall, then we went to the theatre where I've been working on AVENUE Q (which recently opened). My brother is not a theater person at all, but I thought he might enjoy this show, and he did! I had a blast with my boys in a place that I'm passionate about, and I was feeling very happy and content with myself and life.
Before my boyfriend headed back to his place, he was visiting with me at my apartment, and I was changing for bed, and I looked down and saw that my belly seemed chubbier than earlier that day, and I felt this panic rising in me. I tried to talk with my boyfriend about it to help me gain some perspective, but it was late and he had to head back to his place. I fell asleep hating my body and angry with myself for indulging in the sushi I did with that rice. Then I had the upset stomach wake me up at 2:30, and you know the rest of the story!
I guess what I'd like to draw attention to in this little tale, is how quickly things can change. One moment you can be happy, content, and feeling that things are finally going to be looking up for you. At that moment when you let your guard down, it seems that the universe wants to remind you that life sucks. It brings you back to the reality of your situation.
A song from the show last night kind of makes me think about this. It's the final number:
PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON:
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,
BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,
KATE MONSTER:
For now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now...
NICKY:
Nothing lasts,
ROD:
Life goes on,
NICKY:
Full of surprises.
ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
LUCY:
For now we're healthy.
BRIAN:
For now we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...
GARY COLEMAN:
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
KATE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (Mitt Romney!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
NICKY:
Each time you smile...
ALL:
...Only for now
KATE MONSTER:
It'll only last a while.
ALL:
...Only for now
PRINCETON:
Life may be scary...
ALL:
...Only for now
But it's only temporary
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba dum ba-dum
Ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da
ohhhh-
PRINCETON:
Everything in life is only for now
Bad things are temporary, but so are good things. Everyone always says that being happy is a choice, but it is a lot harder. Life is so fickle sometimes we are just down in the dumps, and we need to express it, not repress it. Given all that, it's clear to me that being miserable/depressed, is comforting. Yeah, it's exhausting and doesn't make life very fun, but if you are always down, nothing can make you that way. It takes away uncertainty with the day ahead, right?
But I can't help thinking also if that's the wrong way to go about it. I'm glad that I was able to have a nice evening, even if my morning hasn't been that great. But on the same token, it kind of makes me feel MORE disappointed, upset, and depressed that I don't still feel that way, especially so soon after.
So I'm not sure what the solution is. I really wish I could know what to count on, but life is so unpredictable. What do you have to rely and count on when everything else is so variable?
One might say that to choose to be happy is just the same as choosing to be miserable. The thing is though, I don't feel like I "choose" to be miserable. I allow it to happen. To force myself to pretend to be cheerful and upbeat is stressful for me. It allows a build up of emotion, and I eventually crack at a little thing. It feels like I'm lying to myself. I try to allow myself to just be the way I feel and not pretend anything else . . . That just usually happens to be an unhappy state for some reason.
I wonder what it is I'm unhappy in. I often feel I'm unhappy with myself. How am I supposed to not be unhappy if I'm always around me?
I recognize that my blog postings of late have not been the most uplifting, but I still think they could be worthwhile at some point in the future, so I'm still putting them down. I would like to see them turn around soon, but I don't know what is going to happen . . . We'll have to see!
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