It has been way too long since I've posted. To anybody actually out there reading, I'm sorry. My journey has continued, and a couple days ago, I had an interesting experience that got me thinking again.
Around the first week of April I took a bike ride and got a severely debilitating migraine. For 2 months after that, when I'd exercise I'd often get the same migraine that would endure the rest of the next 2 days! I hoped it would get better, but it didn't. I could barely walk upstairs without feeling the pressure of the migraine start building. I finally consented to go to the doctor.
This was the first time I'd seen a doctor since I'd really been struggling with my Eating Disorder behaviors, and I knew I'd need to open up about it. They did blood work which came back fine, and she prescribed physical therapy for my neck. The physical therapy worked wonders and gave me my life back.
A couple days ago, I had a followup with that doctor. She outright told me that "by no means at all am [I] overweight." She didn't want to see me lose any more weight actually because with my frame if I lost weight I'd mostly be losing muscle mass. The weight I want to be (120-125) was way too small in her opinion.
I didn't quite know what to think. In one sense, it made me feel hopeless. Hopeless because I want to be down to at MOST 125, toned, and my goal for 2012 was to get to my body goals in a healthy way. She basically said that I can't achieve the weight I want in a healthy way. If I just concentrate on toning and building strength and muscle definition, then most likely I'll gain weight. I know it'd be muscle, but seeing the numbers on the scale go up like that would be difficult, I know.
So, I feel like I need to decide. Either hang onto my habits and keep dropping weight until I'm where I want to be, or move on and get rid of my bathroom scale and just concentrate on eating healthy and being active.
Granted, I know what I SHOULD do, but honestly when I think about completely moving on from my Eating Disorder I get a little nervous. I went through a lot of change last year in a short period of time. The things I had defined myself by fell away, and nothing was stable. As strange as it sounds, my Disorder has given me comfort. I've had something I could define myself by, something that was mine alone yet connected me with a larger community. And this I could always possess. No one could take it away from me. It has been all mine. A constant companion in a sea of change. If I don't have that to define myself, who am I? What DO I have? Jobs can be lost, you might move to a new place, get new neighbors, your family and friends may leave in pursuit of their own happiness and purpose, but my Eating Disorder is something I can carry with me everywhere. It gives me something to focus on when everything around is confusing and stressful. Do I really want to lose that?
On the otherhand, I didn't always have it, and I got along just fine. So, there WAS a "Me" that existed without my disorder . . . but I've changed since then. What if there is no new me or future me that exists without my disorder?
I had a therapist say to my recently that you stop developing emotionally when you develop an eating disorder because you don't fully accept the changes around you into your growth as a person. If that's true, then I'm still 20 . . .
Now, I just feel like I'm rambling (but remember this blog was more for myself than anyone else, so I'm entitled! :-D ). I guess where I'm going with this is a part of me feels really strongly that there is this awesome person that the world wouldn't even be able to handle if I just gave up this addiction that's got ahold of me, but I also feel incredibly scared to take that step. What if I give it up and find out I'm not such an awesome person? Is that a risk worth taking? Cause then I won't even have my source of comfort and stability. And at that point, those people who think I need to give it up will accept that I have, then be disappointed if I get back into it. I HATE disappointing people, so I'll be left in quiet desperation. Carrying my companion secretly, or suffering without him.
How do I find the courage to take the unknown steps? WHERE do I find that courage? If there is anyone reading this who has gone through a similar experience and has any advice, I'd very much welcome it.
Until next time! . . .
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