No, RevAbs and my equipment have not arrived yet, but again, I had some thoughts that I wanted to put down.
As I'm attempting to be active in my Eating Disorder recovery, today I was searching for tips online. One had the usual suggestions, but also included a link to a support website (somethingfishy.org). I was intrigued because a support system is the #1 thing that I've felt was lacking in my recovery attempts. I've recently started dating this wondeful guy who has been a surprising support for me, though I still have difficulty confiding in him.
I've had MANY long distance situations with many types of relationships, and it's all led my brain to conclude that I can only count on myself. If I rely on a single person (or even a team of people), they are bound to leave. It's just the facts of life. Nothing stays the same, and people leave you. My concern is that if I've made someone besides myself the foundation of my recovery, and then that support system is suddenly no longer there, what is stopping me from relapsing again?
However, I also recognize the fact that I can't recover from these issues without some help or support system. It would be like someone trying to give themself a heart transplant . . . It doesn't work exactly. The recovery part is mine, but I need a little assistance to make it through to that point and gain the strength to carry on.
Anyway . . .
As I read through a few of the support forums on somethingfishy.org, I realized that something that works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Many other girls in Eating Disorder Recovery suggested reading when you are having a difficult day/moment to distract you from doing what you may normally do with this disorder. I love to read, but when I am anxious, I can't focus on reading a novel at all.
Some people might think that doing a workout challenge is the opposite of Eating Disorder recovery, and that it would be a trigger, but I honestly don't believe that in my case. One of my issues is that I can never seem to find a healthy balance for myself. Having done loads of research, I know what a person SHOULD be eating and exercising, but I can't seem to relate it to my own life. The food always seems too much, and the exercise to little. I honestly feel that following a program will give me focus, stability and direction. It will form new habits in me and help me starting creating a new healthy balance for myself.
Also, one of the things that gets me down is that I don't feel that I'm good enough at anything. I don't even feel like I'm good enough at having an eating disorder. I'm a very goal oriented person, and my eating disorder has made it very difficult for me to accomplish my dietary and physical goals (believe it or not!). With an outlined exercise program, I can (and will!) reset. I'll be able to have guidance and see that I can accomplish a difficult goal that I set out to do. It's only 90 days, but I believe something like this could be a key turning point.
I do see a downside being that I want to learn how to accept my body the way I am now and just be healthy and active, and doing the program still is making me focus on the physical appearance and numbers aspect of things, but I figure it's baby steps. I can't tackle every side of my Eating Disorder at once. I have to pick what I think will most quickly and efficiently give me strength and focus to be able to work on the remainder of the issues.
By the end of writing this third post, I've come to realize something. I actually AM embracing "recovery." For a while now, I've had the "well-I-only-do-it-a-little-bit-so-what-can-it-hurt" attitude. But depending on circumstances, that little does tend to get very large very quickly and cause severe challenges. I've resisted fully admitting my problem, making the excuse that it "isn't a big deal," while knowing that it really is. I've held onto this problem for fear of fully letting it go and seeing who I am without it . . . But no longer!
I feel a certain peace in bringing my issues into this light (though I'm pretty sure no one is even reading this blog, lol), and an excitement (though still trepidation) at the prospect of not letting something so small control my life. I want to take back my life. I want to feel peace again. And through acknowledging my past and present situations as real and in dire need of change, I feel a small bit of strength in moving forward.
Thank you for taking this journey with me!
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