How Do You Know When You've Reached the Top?

I was thinking today during one of my workouts "How will I know when I'm 'recovered?'" As part of doing RevAbs, I've been working with an AWESOME Beachbody coach who is very supportive and encouraging. She mentioned that when I've overcome my addiction, she thinks I'd make a great coach myself. But how do I know when that is?

I've heard that people with Eating Disorders don't ever fully recover, that they battle with it all their lives. So, how will I know when my eating is normal, and my workouts are well balanced with the rest of my life? How can I help another if I haven't fully come out the other side myself? How will I know when body image doesn't control my life?

I guess the most important question is "When will I learn to trust myself again?"

This evening I tried on a bikini I'd purchased when I was in Australia at the beginning of my eating disorder, and I was 5 lbs lighter than I am now. The bottoms clearly were slightly too small, there was no getting around that. Overall I know I'm in better shape than I was then, but it's hard to see something that I thought looked all right on me at one time, look not so great anymore. Immediately, I had the thoughts of going back to the diet and exercise plan that I had when I fit into that bikini (900 cals a day, 2 hours of exercise, and more often than not purging what I did eat). I know that losing the weight would be losing muscle mass (especially after speaking to my doctor), but it's still difficult. I wish I could get past that. I wish I could just go shop for a bikini in a slightly larger size and know I look fine, but I am stuck on the sizes I had been.

When will I know that I am safely past all that? There was a time when I thought I'd left all these thoughts and feelings in the dust, and it took an upset and they all came flooding back.

Is changing simply telling yourself "never again" and sticking with it? Those people who've lost insane amounts of weight say "never again" and many keep it off. Could it possibly be that simple for me? Is the fact that I'm open to another relapse what's holding me back?

I think the most important question is, "When will I learn to love and accept my body for what it is and what it does for me?" I know I'm not "fat" by definition, but I feel that way, and I keep telling myself that I'll be happy when I've reached a certain point in my physical appearance, then I can stop worrying. However, my brother pointed out that at that point I'll be worried and stress about maintaining my physique once I get it to where I really want it (if that EVER actually HAPPENS).

So, how will I know when I'm recovered, and how can I be happy with myself in the meantime? You got me! If anyone out there actually has the answer, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise, stick around long enough, and if we are all lucky, maybe I'll figure it out .  . . But I still want to fit properly into my string bikini in the meantime . . . hmmmmm . . .