Good day to you all! I realize I've gotten a little side-tracked from my original intent for starting this blog, and I'd like to give you a little update on my progress thus far.
My weight is hovering at about 128, give or take a pound. I've picked up my fitness level. I can tell I'm toning up (clothes fitting much looser), just not as quickly or in the specific areas that I want. I know that progress is progress, and it takes a while to see strong results, but neverthless, I'd still like a little bit of visible encouragement, you know?
Though this might be a good time to mention that my clothes fit essentially the same as they did when I was 8 pounds lighter. I guess this is a testament to the declaration that if you tone up, you may not weigh less, but you'll LOOK better.
I'm still doing ReVAbs, but I had a week where I hadn't done anything at all with it, so I felt bad and restarted. I'm now in the midst of the 3rd week on my restart.
I try to do additional workouts on the sides of my ReVAbs DVDs. I'll either go running or biking, then do this concentrated 5 minutes intense Abworkout right after that. My bike has been out of commission though, and I've been concerned I'm not keeping my dancer flexibility up, so I bought both "Ballet Beautiful" and "New York Ballet Workout" DVDs to suppliment. My ultimate goal is to find time to workout 2-3 times a day, totaling 1 hour - 2.5 hours at least. I've been pretty good for the past week and a half with this plan, and I feel like I've definitely seen more immediate results.
However, I've been struggling with my eating. I won't go into exact details, but suffice it to say I know I haven't been eating enough, but I've been doing it anyway. I've had a bit of a relapse, but I have reached out for help. The problem is, when I reach out for help, I find I usually hit a wall. One of a few things happens:
1) The person I reach out to doesn't know how to help me
2) Financially it is impossible in my situation
3) Not comfortable with the person trying to help me (in the case of finding a therapist)
I've felt like there are no options for me. Like no one is willing to work with me, which clearly means I'm not worth helping (there goes that Black & White mentality again). I had reached out to a residential treatment facility for women that specializes in eating disorders and anxiety. They said they had a good relationship with my insurance company, and it's often very affordable. I allowed myself to sort of get excited and hopeful because I thought a place like this would give me the focus, skills, and direction I finally needed to get a handle on the aspects of myself that I don't like. However, when they came back, the insurance would only cover about 80% of the treatment which sounds awesome except that it means for 1 month in the facility I would have to fork over $6000 when I left.
I had found this therapist in Aspen that I liked (first one in a while that I felt comfortable with, and felt like might actually be able to help me). She gave me a trial session for free, but i could afford her $200/hr rate and she "couldn't" wriggle down to the point where I could afford it. I've felt like a lost cause, and that I have no where to turn to get help.
As an absolute last resort, I called the local Crisis center. The doctor I mentioned in an earlier post had recommended calling the place as they sometimes offer grants for therapy. I spoke with a really lovely woman for a while. She asked a lot of really difficult questions, and it was exhausting trying to get through them, but I knew I had to in order to show I needed help.
She recommened another Doctor that also specializes in eating disorders, but at a much more reasonable price. I looked him up, and he seemed very much into naturalistic and spiritual methods for healing, which I really respond to. I contacted him. He was currently out of the country, but said he'll be back on 07/30, and the lowest he could go I figured I could manage (just means I'll have to adjust my goals of paying off my credit card a bit, but it'll probably be worht it in the long run).
After I got this all worked out, I've been thinking a lot about dealing with my issues on my own versus having people there. Sometimes, it feels like there is no one I can really turn to for help. That no one can really help me, and why would they want to take their own time to deal with my issues?
Well, a couple days ago, my boyfriend found out that his parents are going to have to put his dog down. He was understandably distraught. Immediately, I left work early with him, postponed a couple things, and drove the 2.5 hours to get back to where that dog was. I felt like there wasn't anything I could do to make it better, but I wanted to be that shoulder to cry on, I wanted to be there in case there was some way I could take away the pain. I don't understand that feeling, why it's there if there really is nothing obvious to be done.
I guess I figure now that it's similar to other people trying to help me. Maybe people that are trying to reach out to me know what it's like to hurt, even if it's not in that way exactly, and they just want to be there in case they can take away the pain. The lady at the crisis center didn't know me, but helped out. My boyfriend spends innumerable hours talking to me while I run in circles trying to find an answer. My BeachBody coach has never met me, yet takes time out of her busy life to respond to me personally, and really the list goes on.
Perhaps there is a reason we pull together in hard times. While I don't want to be a burden on anyone, maybe it's Carma. If I accept the help now, maybe I'll have the opportunity to help another in the future.
All I know is that trying to go at it on my own hasn't resulted in any lasting success, so I gotta change it up!
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