Yesterday was the first session with my new therapist, and I think I'll keep him! But before I get into that, I wanted to put down some thoughts I've been having as I've watched the results of this Olympics unfold.
I did gymnastics from just after I turned 5 until after I was 9. I LOVED IT! I was blessed enough to go to train at World Olympic Gymnastics Academy (where Carly Patterson trained) under Valerie Liukin, and Evgeny Marchenko for a good portion of my gymnastics days. I attended Karolyi Gymnastics camp for 3 summers. I dreamed of being on the 2004 US Olympics Gymnastics team (Hey, what young gymnast DOESN'T want that?). While I recognize now that as a gymnast I didn't have the natural ability and spunk that it takes to make it all the way, I intensely have missed the training for years, and I hate how my gymnastics career ended.
My father, having suffered with depression and anxiety actively my whole life, always kept us in a financially precarious situation. When I was 9, I was about to get into more serious training. The were going to have me travelling and competing with a team. My parents were nervous anyway about the pressure put on gymnasts in competition, and didn't really want me to get to that point. That combined with the financial strain (and a coach taking my team into the dance studio during practice to belittle us and call us pathetic after a competition), they advised me that I would need to end my gymnastics career. However, due to my father's pride I was instructed to tell everyone that I didn't want to do gymnastics anymore, instead of the truth that he couldn't afford my training.
One coach knew better and pulled me to the side to press further. I told her that we couldn't afford the training. When my dad found out I told, he FLIPPED OUT! He was angry at ME! For telling the TRUTH! I look back thinking about how he was trying to make me lie to protect his own pride, and I resent him for that.
Anyway, the Summer Olympics always bring up strong feelings of inadequacy and a "what could have been" mentality. I tried desparately over the years to get back into it - even thinking I could go in the direction of rythmic gymnastics since I was already in my preteen years it might be easier to make a comeback. But it always came back to finances.
I finished reading OFF BALANCE by Dominique Moceanu (of the Magnificant Seven) a few days ago. It's scary how similar our experiences were with our fathers. The difference I see though, is that at his core, her father believed in her and worked hard and sacrificed so she could become a champion. Comparatively, I see that as my father not think I was good enough to work hard to make my dreams possible. Granted, that doesn't negate that her father was hurtful, controling, and secretly wasting away her money after she'd become a champion, but without her father working so hard and sacrificing to make her dreams a reality, I doubt it would have happened. My father didn't believe in me that same way, so where does that leave me?
While I was doing gymnastics though, he was proud! He was athletic, and even did gymnastics for a bit, so it was our way of bonding. I don't have many fond memories of time spent with my father, but what I do have is him helping to spot me on a new skill, or playing soccor in the backyard. The sport connected us. And besides that I felt confidant being able to do those things. My body was strong, flexible, and capable. I could do things other kids couldn't and it made me feel special. I had to find a new identity after that all ended.
I don't think my brain ever got out of the gymnast mindset. Throughout my eating disorder, my goal hasn't been to shrink to nothingness like some sufferers. My goal has always been to be tiny, yes, but also be muscular and strong. I realized while watching USA walk in the parade of nations that what I've been striving for is to get my body back to gymnastics shape. Maybe some back part of my brain remembered how my body felt when I was most confident in my body and life was most simple. When I started the quest to better myself, it would stop at nothing until it got back to that point.
I'm not sure that realization helps me in any way to get better, but I thought it was an interesting thought connection.
Anyway . . .
Yes, I met with my new therapist yesterday. I was VERY nervous. I had tried eating some breakfast, but couldn't keep it down, and was worried about eating anything else, so I sipped on watered-down iced tea and chewed gum most of the rest of the day (not sure why my brain says that's a good idea to deal with nerves, but there you go). My anxiety mostly stems from not wanting to relive my issues YET AGAIN for another therapist. He's the 3rd I've tried in the area, and the 5th in the past year (only 1 other person lasted longer than 3 sessions). I really wanted this to be a good fit so I could have some security in my recovery process, so maybe this time, I could get somewhere solid and significant.
Luckily, I think it was a good fit. I felt very comfortable with him. And he seemed to genuinely listen to me. He's not one of those "Oh, that must be hard" or "How does that make you feel" type of people. He seems very blunt but also understanding, which is what I like, and what I need. Yet he made me feel like I was in control of the session. It felt like he was there as a help and guide, but ultimately it's up to me what I put in and get out of the situation. I think that's how it should be in a therapist-patient relationship.
I won't get to see him for a couple weeks, as I'm going to a friend's wedding out of town, but I was asked to keep a more detailed journal of my day-to-day feelings. Should be interesting, as I've already been thinking about the stresses involved with going back to visit my old university and long-time employment location. It's where my eating disorder first took over. There will be LOTS of people and LOTS of food around for the wedding. I'm sure at some point we'll go swimming. So, there is that anxiety of a bathing suit and other people in bathing suits to deal with. So . . . yeah . . . journal entries should be interesting over the next couple weeks. I'll be sure to enlighten you on the most interesting ones! And I'll try my best to find a joyful moment to right about, as I'm afraid this blog has become a bit depressing, lol!
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