So, 1 week in, and things are progressing nicely as far as my RevAbs program goes.
Current Weight: 135 lbs
Weight Loss Since Starting: 2 lbs
While I clearly have lost some weight, some things have occurred that have really set me to thinking.
First of all, I need to let you know that I'm an "all-or-nothing" nothing type of individual. Apparently, a lot of people with my same issues are. We see things in black and white. We are perfectionists. I think that's why complete recovery from these Disorders is rare. We have a small set back that isn't a part of the "plan," and we get discouraged thinking, "Well, I've messed it up now. Clearly I can't do this, so, why bother continuing?"
My Meal Plan
I had a set meal plan, what I was going to eat and when. But then there people were leaving town, and there were celebrations and free, tasty treats were offered. I succumbed to temptation more than I am proud to admit - that's the negative aspect.
The positive aspect is that I didn't indulge like I normally would have. I kept my portion sizes on my "cheats" quite reasonable, and I purged less.
***(I guess I haven't really mentioned any details about my Eating Disorder up to this point . . . Well, I dabble in pretty much every eating disorder behavior depending on my mood, the type of situation, and the type of anxiety. Most commonly though, I would be considered to be a purger. Not bulimic, but purging. I can eat a normal, reasonable amount of food, and I feel like I have to purge it. Granted, occasionally I will binge, but it isn't on crazy amounts of food like you see on these documentaries. The most it may be is a pint of ice cream in one sitting, or a pack of mint Milano cookies on a separate occassion. Pretty normal indulgent amounts compared to other people from what I understand, but it doesn't sit right with me. I also tend to indulge more when the food is free. As I'm budget conscience, I tend to take advantage when free food is offered . . . but again, it usually doesn't stay where I first put it.)***
My Exercise Plan
Negative: Technically I got behind 2 days on the workout video calendar.
Positive: I still was active on those days off, and the only reason I didn't workout those days was because I was having fun doing something else. The first day I missed I went on a brisk 2 hour hike with my boyfriend and had an amazing time. The next day, We went for a long drive up this canyon, exploring for hiking/backpacking trails, biking/camping areas, and fishing spots. Not too much activity, but we would stop and walk around some places looking.
Another positive is the fact that in this part of the workout plan, I rotate 3 videos. Yesterday was the second time I did video 2, and already I noticed I had increased strength and endurance for things in the workout I had struggled with the first time.
On Saturday night, something triggered me to spiral into a constant depression for the next day. Luckily, I have a form of self-medication that works fairly well and I'm pretty much out of it at this moment. But I went back in deep and fast. I had borrowed a pair of my boyfriends basketball shorts, and he said to me, "Hey, those fit you about the same as they do me." It was said innocently, him just speaking his mind, not even trying to directly comment to me, and I went off. I withdrew, and started feeling everything I did was a failure. I was fat (Because as a girl, boys things should be baggie on me right?) . . . it was bad. Almost ruined the fishing trip the next day because of feeling so down. I got out and did things while I just wanted to lay in bed and pretend to not exist. In that frame of mind, my anorexic brain takes over. The last time I was the weight I wanted to be was due to severe restriction and exercising. I started figuring I just needed to restrict again (since I'm already on the exercise plan), and I'll lose the weight. But he made very clear that he "will not stand by and watch me destroy" myself. So my brain cycled to where I could keep things a secret from him.
However, we then talked about what it was like to be inside myself when I was at my lightest weight. And it's a dark place I never really want to go back to, and I cant think that it would be any different if I took the same route. But in that sudden depressive state, I was willing to go back there for some reason.
My boyfriend tried to talk me through the fact that reality is not perfect, people are not perfect, and setbacks happen, they just do. Setbacks don't mean you've failed and should give up. Still in my brain it does feel like a failure, though. I mean, I had an outlined plan, didn't follow the plan as outlined, so isn't that a failure? But I do see the other side, where in I could still keep going, finish the program even if it takes a few extra days. I guess it's like college. Doesn't matter if it takes 10 years or 2 years to get a bachelor's degree, you still end up with an equivalent degree.
Me being who I am, it's still hard to keep the "gray area" thing in perspective, but I made progress this past week. In both exercising and controlling my eating and E.D. behaviors there is improvement - though not exactly "visual improvement" from an outsider's perspective. I still haven't gotten where I want to be with it all, but I guess progress is progress - it's one more step towards the top of my mountain.
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