Day 8 - No Body is Perfect

Hello there!

So, 1 week in, and things are progressing nicely as far as my RevAbs program goes.

Current Weight: 135 lbs

Weight Loss Since Starting: 2 lbs

While I clearly have lost some weight, some things have occurred that have really set me to thinking.

First of all, I need to let you know that I'm an "all-or-nothing" nothing type of individual. Apparently, a lot of people with my same issues are. We see things in black and white. We are perfectionists. I think that's why complete recovery from these Disorders is rare. We have a small set back that isn't a part of the "plan," and we get discouraged thinking, "Well, I've messed it up now. Clearly I can't do this, so, why bother continuing?"

My Meal Plan

I had a set meal plan, what I was going to eat and when. But then there people were leaving town, and there were celebrations and free, tasty treats were offered. I succumbed to temptation more than I am proud to admit - that's the negative aspect.

The positive aspect is that I didn't indulge like I normally would have. I kept my portion sizes on my "cheats" quite reasonable, and I purged less.

***(I guess I haven't really mentioned any details about my Eating Disorder up to this point . . . Well, I dabble in pretty much every eating disorder behavior depending on my mood, the type of situation, and the type of anxiety. Most commonly though, I would be considered to be a purger. Not bulimic, but purging. I can eat a normal, reasonable amount of food, and I feel like I have to purge it. Granted, occasionally I will binge, but it isn't on crazy amounts of food like you see on these documentaries. The most it may be is a pint of ice cream in one sitting, or a pack of mint Milano cookies on a separate occassion. Pretty normal indulgent amounts compared to other people from what I understand, but it doesn't sit right with me. I also tend to indulge more when the food is free. As I'm budget conscience, I tend to take advantage when free food is offered . . . but again, it usually doesn't stay where I first put it.)***

My Exercise Plan

Negative: Technically I got behind 2 days on the workout video calendar.

Positive: I still was active on those days off, and the only reason I didn't workout those days was because I was having fun doing something else. The first day I missed I went on a brisk 2 hour hike with my boyfriend and had an amazing time. The next day, We went for a long drive up this canyon, exploring for hiking/backpacking trails, biking/camping areas, and fishing spots. Not too much activity, but we would stop and walk around some places looking.

Another positive is the fact that in this part of the workout plan, I rotate 3 videos. Yesterday was the second time I did video 2, and already I noticed I had increased strength and endurance for things in the workout I had struggled with the first time.

On Saturday night, something triggered me to spiral into a constant depression for the next day. Luckily, I have a form of self-medication that works fairly well and I'm pretty much out of it at this moment. But I went back in deep and fast. I had borrowed a pair of my boyfriends basketball shorts, and he said to me, "Hey, those fit you about the same as they do me." It was said innocently, him just speaking his mind, not even trying to directly comment to me, and I went off. I withdrew, and started feeling everything I did was a failure. I was fat (Because as a girl, boys things should be baggie on me right?) . . . it was bad. Almost ruined the fishing trip the next day because of feeling so down. I got out and did things while I just wanted to lay in bed and pretend to not exist. In that frame of mind, my anorexic brain takes over. The last time I was the weight I wanted to be was due to severe restriction and exercising. I started figuring I just needed to restrict again (since I'm already on the exercise plan), and I'll lose the weight. But he made very clear that he "will not stand by and watch me destroy" myself. So my brain cycled to where I could keep things a secret from him.

However, we then talked about what it was like to be inside myself when I was at my lightest weight. And it's a dark place I never really want to go back to, and I cant think that it would be any different if I took the same route. But in that sudden depressive state, I was willing to go back there for some reason.

My boyfriend tried to talk me through the fact that reality is not perfect, people are not perfect, and setbacks happen, they just do. Setbacks don't mean you've failed and should give up. Still in my brain it does feel like a failure, though. I mean, I had an outlined plan, didn't follow the plan as outlined, so isn't that a failure? But I do see the other side, where in I could still keep going, finish the program even if it takes a few extra days. I guess it's like college. Doesn't matter if it takes 10 years or 2 years to get a bachelor's degree, you still end up with an equivalent degree.

Me being who I am, it's still hard to keep the "gray area" thing in perspective, but I made progress this past week. In both exercising and controlling my eating and E.D. behaviors there is improvement - though not exactly "visual improvement" from an outsider's perspective. I still haven't gotten where I want to be with it all, but I guess progress is progress - it's one more step towards the top of my mountain.

Day 1 - RevAbs

Well, last Friday my new exercise program finally came in the mail, as well as my dumbells! Since the calendar provided in the program package started on a Monday, I decided to give myself a "last weekend" where I was lazy and didn't worry about what I ate. It was nice, but I couldn't wait to get started!

The program asks you to record certain stats to moniter changes and progress. They even include a set of fat calipers to help you figure out your body fat percentage. So, as much as it is slightly embarrassing, here are my beginning stats:

Weight: 137 lbs

Waist: 28"

Body Fat %: 23.8

Overall, as a 5'3" tall female, I am in the normal/ideal range on everything. While I was thinking about my current stats, I started having thoughts like, "I want to get down to 120 lbs again" and "I want my waist to be 24 inches again." Then I realized I have to squash those thoughts. It's nice to have those sorts of goals, but those aren't things I can completely control. Goals need to be things that can be mostly controlled by me in order for this to be a success. So, my goal is this:

Eat healthy, balanced meals (and keep them down), and do each exercise when the plan says.

The way I see it, if those things are my goals, and I'm only recording weight and inches occassionally to keep track of progress and look back on, I can't be disappointed in myself. Those goals are entirely in my grasp to accomplish.

As far as Day 1 exercising goes, it was great! I wasn't as vigorous as I wanted to be because I'm in a second floor apartment and I hate being the loud, abnoxious one in the mornings, but I did the best I could! I won't have to worry about it for about a month here soon though. I live in employee housing, and the resort I work at is doing a spring closure/cleaning, and most of my neighbors are leaving for that time because they don't have work. In the department I work in I still have full time work, so I'm gonna be sticking around and exercising vigorously each morning! :)

So Day 1 of exercising down, now the hard part will be focusing on the food aspect of things. I know it's not going to be easy the next 90 days after my Disorder has thrown my food habits all over the place, but that's one reason why I'm doing this. I want to get back to having a healthy relationship with food and reclaim my power over it. It shouldn't be able to control me like it has been.

Wish me luck, because here I go!

A Broken World

"i thank You God for most this amazing"

by: e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

This morning I had to be to work at 10:30AM. I had wanted to hike the past couple days, but one thing led to another and I haven't been out since my second post. I decided to hit the sack a little earlier last night so I could get up early and do at least a couple hours before I had to get ready for work. And am I ever glad I did it! I went on the Hunter Creek Trail again. It was quite cool, and the sun hadn't yet been able to break over the mountains. The stillness and the quiet was incredibly calming. I explored a few short trails coming off the main one, and that was fun. At one moment, I was overlooking the river, thinking about Jane's Addiction's song "Broken People." One phrase goes:

Welcome to the world

Welcome to the aching world

A woeful world

Of Broken People

When I was having a really difficult time with my Eating Disorder and depression, that's how I oftened described myself to my ex-husband - "Broken." I felt broken, unfixable, and I felt that no one in the world deserved to have to deal with my issues. In the past while (and thanks to Jane's Addiction), I've come to understand a little better that everyone is broken in some way. So then the next question came to mind: If people are broken, shouldn't we get fixed?

I don't know what your spiritual or deity beliefs are, but I believe in God. I believe that He has a plan, but doesn't have direct and specific influence on day to day things. I guess I believe He's kind of like a super hero - if you believe that He's there, when you need it, He'll show up to help. I've felt closer to God through nature than just about anything else. It seems he uses it to speak to me when nothing else makes sense.

Well, today as I was thinking about why so many people are broken and seem unfixable in this world. Then, it came to me - it has to be that way. Allow me to explain:

I was looking around at the mountains. Beautiful and majestic, unique and awe-inspiring . . . Well, they are simply broken earth. I observed the river . . . If the boulders hadn't broken loose, there wouldn't have been a river. If things hadn't been broken in this earth, it would be one smooth, flat surface that would essentially be unihabitable. God needed to allow things to be broken so that other things could grow and expand.

I am Broken. But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of being beautiful, majestic, unique, and awe-inspiring just like the mountains. I guess the trick is to embrace my cracks. They aren't fixable (things happen that you can't just cover and forget), but I'm sure there is something valuable that they can provide (like space for a river to flow through). Every cloud has a silver lining, and every break has meaning.

This truly is a wonderful, broken world, and that's the way God needs it to be. Even if we don't exactly understand why, I believe we will in time.

Coming to Terms With Recovery

No, RevAbs and my equipment have not arrived yet, but again, I had some thoughts that I wanted to put down.

As I'm attempting to be active in my Eating Disorder recovery, today I was searching for tips online. One had the usual suggestions, but also included a link to a support website (somethingfishy.org). I was intrigued because a support system is the #1 thing that I've felt was lacking in my recovery attempts. I've recently started dating this wondeful guy who has been a surprising support for me, though I still have difficulty confiding in him.

I've had MANY long distance situations with many types of relationships, and it's all led my brain to conclude that I can only count on myself. If I rely on a single person (or even a team of people), they are bound to leave. It's just the facts of life. Nothing stays the same, and people leave you. My concern is that if I've made someone besides myself the foundation of my recovery, and then that support system is suddenly no longer there, what is stopping me from relapsing again?

However, I also recognize the fact that I can't recover from these issues without some help or support system. It would be like someone trying to give themself a heart transplant . . . It doesn't work exactly. The recovery part is mine, but I need a little assistance to make it through to that point and gain the strength to carry on.
Anyway . . .

As I read through a few of the support forums on somethingfishy.org, I realized that something that works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Many other girls in Eating Disorder Recovery suggested reading when you are having a difficult day/moment to distract you from doing what you may normally do with this disorder. I love to read, but when I am anxious, I can't focus on reading a novel at all.
Some people might think that doing a workout challenge is the opposite of  Eating Disorder recovery, and that it would be a trigger, but I honestly don't believe that in my case. One of my issues is that I can never seem to find a healthy balance for myself. Having done loads of research, I know what a person SHOULD be eating and exercising, but I can't seem to relate it to my own life. The food always seems too much, and the exercise to little. I honestly feel that following a program will give me focus, stability and direction. It will form new habits in me and help me starting creating a new healthy balance for myself.

Also, one of the things that gets me down is that I don't feel that I'm good enough at anything. I don't even feel like I'm good enough at having an eating disorder. I'm a very goal oriented person, and my eating disorder has made it very difficult for me to accomplish my dietary and physical goals (believe it or not!). With an outlined exercise program, I can (and will!) reset. I'll be able to have guidance and see that I can accomplish a difficult goal that I set out to do. It's only 90 days, but I believe something like this could be a key turning point.

I do see a downside being that I want to learn how to accept my body the way I am now and just be healthy and active, and doing the program still is making me focus on the physical appearance and numbers aspect of things, but I figure it's baby steps. I can't tackle every side of my Eating Disorder at once. I have to pick what I think will most quickly and efficiently give me strength and focus to be able to work on the remainder of the issues.

By the end of writing this third post, I've come to realize something. I actually AM embracing "recovery." For a while now, I've had the "well-I-only-do-it-a-little-bit-so-what-can-it-hurt" attitude. But depending on circumstances, that little does tend to get very large very quickly and cause severe challenges. I've resisted fully admitting my problem, making the excuse that it "isn't a big deal," while knowing that it really is. I've held onto this problem for fear of fully letting it go and seeing who I am without it . . . But no longer!

I feel a certain peace in bringing my issues into this light (though I'm pretty sure no one is even reading this blog, lol), and an excitement (though still trepidation) at the prospect of not letting something so small control my life. I want to take back my life. I want to feel peace again. And through acknowledging my past and present situations as real and in dire need of change, I feel a small bit of strength in moving forward.

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

Looking at the Past

So my Workout Challenge won't officially start until my program/equipment comes in the mail, but I did some physical activity yesterday, and had some thoughts I wanted to share.

I currently live in Aspen, CO (and no, I'm definitely not rich!). There is amazing access to outdoor activities. Yesterday was Easter, and I was on my own in the afternoon. I decided to go exploring an area I'd heard a lot about, but hadn't ventured to yet: Hunter Creek Trail - Smuggler Mountain

I really only had a time where I wanted to be back, other than that, my goal was just to explore and have a good time.

It was a GORGEOUS day to be out! I would have preferred to have been skiing, of course, but it was a good alternative since the unseasonbly warm weather has made me hang up my skis until next season.

While I was walking, I was thinking about a time before my Eating Disorder got ahold of me:

It was summer 2010, and I was working backstage at the Utah Shakespearean Festival. My room mate/Best Friend was an actress there that summer, and one night she got called in to understudy a role. It was terrifying, stressful, and exhilarating for her, but she did awesome! Afterwards she came up, gave me a hug and said, "I just want to eat ice cream!" At this time she was doing the P-90X program. She is a dancer and already has an amazing body, but was always wanting to be better for her art. I responded very genuinely, "You can have ice cream. Once won't hurt, you've been really good." Also that same summer, if someone brought in homemade donuts I wouldn't hesitate. That's not to say I was a food binger. When I would go home for lunch or dinner I'd have a salad or some fish with veggies. I ate healthy, but I wasn't afraid when a yummy treat came along. Food and I had a healthy relationship, and it was an asset to my life. It didn't control me.

I was thinking about how quickly things can change. Just a couple months later I could barely shop in a normal grocery store without having a panic attack.

I keep trying to think about how I was able to have that kind of attitude. It was freedom in a lot of ways. I was aware of how I looked and what I ate, but it didn't preoccupy my life. It wasn't the focus. These days I've wondered who I'd be without my Eating Disorder. I've been reluctant, and even afraid to let go completely because I feel like it's been a part of who I am for so long, I don't know how I'd get along without it. But yesterday, on my hike, I realized that 2 years ago, I was that way. I handled my stresses in a healthier way. I had balance in my life, and I was happy.

I guess now that I have a time period to look at that I can see clearly was unecumbered with Eating Disorder habits, maybe I can use that as a framework for moving forward. Reestablishing new habits. I know it doesn't mean I won't have those desires anymore, but I think it could be a step in the right direction.

I want to be able to hike like I did yesterday, and when I was at my worst, I couldn't do anything physical without it being extremely painful. There is so much to enjoy, and while no addiction is easy to overcome, others have done it, so I should be able to as well.

I guess it's like how the seasons change:

There are flowers, plants, wildlife. Then, the days grow darker, things get cold, the wildlife sleeps, and snow covers the plants and landscape. You almost forget what the colors of the landscape are in that blank white chill. The warmth seems so far away. But then, the snow starts to melt, and you get a glimpse of what's underneath, you are reminded of the way things used to be, and you know that it can only be a matter of time before things are restored the way they were. All it takes is time . . . and patience!

The Beginning

Hello! So I always wonder how these blogs get started, and I guess I'm about to find out!

A little about me:

I have been struggling with Eating Disorder behaviors for the last year and a half. I was in a very dark place, and a lot was changing around me in my life. I spiralled further and further down. However, a few months ago I was feeling good. I thought I was finally getting a hold on things and was coming out the other side. Then, (as many of you who've had similar struggles know) an event occurred that sent me spiralling into a relapse. I've spent the last 3 months trying to fight going back into the deep pit I found myself in last year, but I feel like I've barely been staying afloat.

I've always wanted to have a toned body with defined Abs (Hey, who among us doesn't want that!). My New Year's resolution was to get my dream body (both in appearance and in how I feel about myself) without any of my Eating Disorder habits. I haven't been as successful as I've hoped so far, but there is still a lot of 2012 left!

Conventional Therapy has not been very effective for me thus far, so, I decided to try something unconventional . . . Hence, this Blog was born!

My plan is to take you on a 3 month journey with me to start out. I'm going to be doing the RevAbs workout program and documenting all my meals, body weight and measurements, workouts, progress pics, as well as emotions along the way. My idea is that since a lot about having an Eating Disorder is keeping what you are doing secret, by bringing what I'm doing out into the light, I'll be able to see things more clearly, and gain more ground on my recovery

As I stated in my profile description, I started this blog more for my benefit than anyone else's, but I'd love to hear what kind of journeys you are on as well. Everyone takes a different path. All we can do is the best we can, and help each other along the way.

Thanks for reading, and HAPPY JOURNEY!