When Your Favorite Things Become a Burden - Why?

The past few days have been . . . interesting. To help you understand a little, it may be necessary to give you a little more background on myself:

I am a Theatre Geek! I was in my first play (PETER PAN) at 13, but I was performing in varying capacities before then. After an extended break, I started doing theater again in my junior year of high school. It was a very trying time for me (I was back in public school after 5 years of homeschooling, and living with my dad and step mom with 3 step-brothers my same age and a new half-brother not even a year old yet). I needed a place where I felt productive and wanted. A place that I could feel a connection with. A place to escape to . . . That was the theatre.

Theatre was everything! It gave me something to look forward to, a place to belong. When I first started back in high school half-way through my sophmore year I would skip lunches and go read in the library because I had no where else to be and everyone made me feel like I was intruding on "their spot." Now, every lunch period I had people to be with and a place to go. It was intoxicating, and, what's more, I was good at it! I started by doing spot operations and prop design and construction. The next show I acted! After that I continued to perform, but I also was Todo's dog trainer in THE WIZARD OF OZ (I've trained dogs since I was 10) and was the Dramaturg for THE LITTLE WOMEN.

Through all of these experiences, I knew the theatre was where I should be. My dad did not agree. We had many heated conversations about how he felt I couldn't make it a sustainable career. They culminated in him kicking me out of his house the day I graduated high school.

I went on to study theatre at college. My freshman year I participated in every maintstage show and every independent project. I won multiple recognitions in the department. I was accepted into the Bachelor of Fine Arts Program of Theatre Design and Technologies (a difficult decision as I'd wanted to perform more, but I thought I should cultivate practical skills to fill in time between performance contracts). I was a Dance Performance minor (never told my dad that I dropped English as my minor - he always told me I wasn't a good dancer).

The summer after my freshman year I started working at The Utah Shakespearean Festival, and continued working as a props artisan/display intern year-round for the next 2 years. I earned much praise and respect both at the University and at USF. I was on top of the world! I was making career shaping connections, and all I wanted to do with my time was theatre! It fullfilled me and I felt sick and lost without it. I joked about how it was my drug.

Figured by this time my dad would see that I COULD make a career out of theatre, but no matter how much I succeeded and how far I rose, he always remained outwardly skeptical and unsupportive.

Fall of 2010: I became overwhelmed. I had started trying to watch what I ate. Going to Australia over christmas to visit a new LDR boyfriend, I wanted to look good in the bikini he sent me. I adopted a Raw foods diet, which can be fairly simple, but takes a lot of thought and prep time. I was also trying to find time to workout.

My theater and class workload was out of control, and I had multiple emotional breakdowns to professors. I thought the problem was that I wasn't focusing on myself, and that I'd just tapped my creative and emotional giving wells dry. I decided to back off on my Theater classes and work in the Spring, and given that I'd decided to marry this Australian and go over there the next year, I didn't have to worry about taking specific classes to stay on track to graduate the next year.

It was two and a half months into this break from theater that I purged for the first time. Time went on, and I tried to stay involved in the department, but they'd moved on. At the end of year banquet (where 2 years before I was praised without ceasing), not a single one of my accomplishments in the department were recognized. They didn't need me anymore.

USF hired other artisans that summer since I was leaving . . . they didn't need me anymore.

I fell deeper and deeper into my eating disorder.

PRESENT DAY! . . .

My Australian guy and I are getting divorced, and my dad are no longer speaking.

When I got to Aspen I thought I should find some things to keep me busy and to start meeting people. I emailed a couple local theaters offering my volunteer services. After hearing about my experience, going over my portfolio, and talking with me, Theatre Aspen offered me the Props Mistress job. I turned it down, however, as financially it couldn't support me with what I needed at the time.

However, two months ago the emailed me asking for help as their current Props Mistress broke her shoulder in a bike accident, 1 week before 1st preview of their first show. I took on the task of helping them get that show open and in opening the other 2, while still working full-time at my other job.

I should have been ecstatic! I mean, I'm good at what I do, and I LOVE what I do . . . right? Surprisingly, I found myself completely and overwhelmingly stressed out. Things that used to have great importance to me in regards to putting up a show seemed so trivial. I began to understand why I loved escaping to this place. Everyone stresses about paint color and costumes being wrinkled. In the grand scheme of things, if ever there were more unimportant things, these are it! I remember WHY I stressed though . . . It was all about creating the best art possible, because that art delivered a message. The whole point of theater (to me at least) is to hold up a mirror and offer a safe and entertaining environment for people to evaluate themselves, their lives, and learn something that could better all of that.

Suddenly, though, no of that seemed important.

Plus, quite frankly, it was getting in the way! It was interfering with my workouts, and it was interfering with what I wanted to eat and when, and making it VERY difficult to purge when I needed to. One night all I could think about was food and purging and exercising while I had many other things to do for the theater, and so I just sat there for three hours going in circles in my head.

How did I get here? When did I replace a healthy addiction (theater provided me so many of my basic human needs, including a potentially rich career) with a stupid one that now gets in the way of doing things I once loved?!

My fear is that it's lost for good. That I'm so emotionally wrecked that I'll never be able to healthily handle the stressful nature of theatre again.

I thought that theatre helped me find myself and my place in this world. Without it, who am I? And since it's been replaced with my E.D., without that who am I? Strip me of everything I've done and accomplished, and what's left? I have no idea, and that's the scary part. But I wish I could go back to when things were simpler and I felt I understood myself. When I was passionate about what I did, and did what I was passionate about. Is it possible to have that back?  ...

Yo-yo Recovery: Why Can't I Just Be Normal?!

Last night, as my boyfriend kissed me goodnight and goodbye to go back to his place, I whispered in his ear, "Today was Day 1." What I meant was, it was the first day I didn't binge, purge, restrict my diet, or exercise.

He responded, "You've gotta start somewhere, now you just gotta keep going."

I felt good last night. A little concerned about not having exercised and having gone out with friends to share some appetizers and a glass of wine, but the feeling of being with them and having such a good time was so good I wasn't overly concerned about it. I knew with my work schedule the next day I wouldn't be able to find time to workout either with everything I needed to get done. Again, though, last night it wasn't a great concern.

Then, in the light of day, everything came back to me. I weigh myself everymorning, and yesterday the scale said 125.5. This morning, however, it registered at 127.5. I knew it would probably be a little higher, but 2 pounds?!!!

My insides started back flipping (if I could burn calories with that I'd never have to exercise). My appetite went away in the blink of an eye, and all I could think was "when can I work out?" When I realized that most likely I wouldn't be able to get it in today, I could feel my anxiety level rising higher and higher. I feel bloated and like a failure. I literally had to FORCE myself to drink a cup of coconut milk for breakfast (totalling 45 calories) and directly afterward I felt like purging it. I didn't, though (mostly because my room mate was standing right there quite honestly).

I'm trying to force myself to get a few calories because I know if I just stop cold turkey after have a little splurging the last couple days, my body my think it's starving and hold onto things even more. So I'm trying to take it down little by little. But I feel like until I can go spend a couple hours working out I'm not going to feel better.

It's frustrating because it is such a mixed feeling. Last night, my boyfriend (who I've been with now over 5 months :-D) told me quite insistantly how gorgeous I was. He said, "I know I don't always say it this way, but you really are just gorgeous. I look at you and think . . . I must have done something really good in a past life." He added a few details to that, but it just meant so much to me. But why can't I see it.

Part of my feeling though, is that he said those things on a day I weighed 2 pounds less than I do now. So, the conclusion is drawn that I'm not gorgeous anymore or I've disappointed or let him down in someway because I've gained. When I think about that conclusion logically, it doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.

I'm frustrated with myself because I can't just go out and have a nice evening with friends and let it be. I LOVED that feeling last night. Not over indulging, but treating ourselves, having a good time, laughing. No one was talking about exercising or the caloric or protein content of food. No one was talking about how toned, tiny, or fat anyone was. It was just a genuine human connection. That's how it should be all the time.

The next day though . . . I pay for my normality. And now I'm stressed, frustrated, and angry with myself. While I know this isn't right, I feel like maybe I just need to avoid those situations so I don't gain weight and find myself in this emotional state. But the thought of not having those kind of connections and experiences with other people greatly saddens me and makes me feel lonely.

I wish that I could just see those 2 pounds and think, "So, what? I had fun, I've been busy, I'll just get right back into eating healthy and exercising when possible. Not a big deal." It really isn't a big deal. It really isn't the end of the world . . .

. . . So, then, why do I feel like such an incredible failure and disappointment?

The Laws of Physics are Unchangeable

Yesterday morning, I decided to go on a hike before work. There is a nice one about 5 miles long about 1/2 a mile out my back door, but that still meant I'd have to be up at about 5AM. It was totally worth it though!

I had to use my headlamp for about the first 45 minutes, and I placed my iPhone music on stereo to scare the bears away :) One particular song was playing when I came upon the view below at about 6AM (please pardon the blurry shot, the iPhone wasn't meant to capture landscapes):

I still wasn't to the top of the mountain, but the words of SuperChick's "Beauty from Pain" provided me with one of my infamous nature epiphanies:

"I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn"

I had been using a head lamp, and the shadows were thick, deep, and many . . . But I did turn the light off, and natural light flooded the landscape. It doesn't matter what happens during the night, the sun will come up. Even if there are clouds that block the direct rays, the light still spreads. It's inevitable. A MAJOR disaster has to take place for that light to be blocked out.

So, it got me thinking that the laws of nature and physics tell me that eventually I have to get better right? The alternative is taking part in a major disaster, and personally, I think the above photo is much prettier than a dark haze. I'd rather see more of those moments that than a dark haze.

One might also say that due to the laws of nature, "What goes up must come down!" So, that even if I think I'm recovered, I'll fall again. You know, that may be true. Of course I'd rather have the changes be permanent; This back and forth is exhausting and leaves me unsure about how to define myself. But dusk is as certain as dawn. Maybe I would like to at least have 50% sun than none at all . . . And maybe it's worth enduring the night to see those dawns . . .

Counting Up the People Who Care

Good day to you all! I realize I've gotten a little side-tracked from my original intent for starting this blog, and I'd like to give you a little update on my progress thus far.

My weight is hovering at about 128, give or take a pound. I've picked up my fitness level. I can tell I'm toning up (clothes fitting much looser), just not as quickly or in the specific areas that I want. I know that progress is progress, and it takes a while to see strong results, but neverthless, I'd still like a little bit of visible encouragement, you know?

Though this might be a good time to mention that my clothes fit essentially the same as they did when I was 8 pounds lighter. I guess this is a testament to the declaration that if you tone up, you may not weigh less, but you'll LOOK better.
I'm still doing ReVAbs, but I had a week where I hadn't done anything at all with it, so I felt bad and restarted. I'm now in the midst of the 3rd week on my restart.

I try to do additional workouts on the sides of my ReVAbs DVDs. I'll either go running or biking, then do this concentrated 5 minutes intense Abworkout right after that. My bike has been out of commission though, and I've been concerned I'm not keeping my dancer flexibility up, so I bought both "Ballet Beautiful" and "New York Ballet Workout" DVDs to suppliment. My ultimate goal is to find time to workout 2-3 times a day, totaling 1 hour - 2.5 hours at least. I've been pretty good for the past week and a half with this plan, and I feel like I've definitely seen more immediate results.

However, I've been struggling with my eating. I won't go into exact details, but suffice it to say I know I haven't been eating enough, but I've been doing it anyway. I've had a bit of a relapse, but I have reached out for help. The problem is, when I reach out for help, I find I usually hit a wall. One of a few things happens:

1) The person I reach out to doesn't know how to help me
2) Financially it is impossible in my situation
3) Not comfortable with the person trying to help me (in the case of finding a therapist)

I've felt like there are no options for me. Like no one is willing to work with me, which clearly means I'm not worth helping (there goes that Black & White mentality again). I had reached out to a residential treatment facility for women that specializes in eating disorders and anxiety. They said they had a good relationship with my insurance company, and it's often very affordable. I allowed myself to sort of get excited and hopeful because I thought a place like this would give me the focus, skills, and direction I finally needed to get a handle on the aspects of myself that I don't like. However, when they came back, the insurance would only cover about 80% of the treatment which sounds awesome except that it means for 1 month in the facility I would have to fork over $6000 when I left.

I had found this therapist in Aspen that I liked (first one in a while that I felt comfortable with, and felt like might actually be able to help me). She gave me a trial session for free, but i could afford her $200/hr rate and she "couldn't" wriggle down to the point where I could afford it. I've felt like a lost cause, and that I have no where to turn to get help.

As an absolute last resort, I called the local Crisis center. The doctor I mentioned in an earlier post had recommended calling the place as they sometimes offer grants for therapy. I spoke with a really lovely woman for a while. She asked a lot of really difficult questions, and it was exhausting trying to get through them, but I knew I had to in order to show I needed help.

She recommened another Doctor that also specializes in eating disorders, but at a much more reasonable price. I looked him up, and he seemed very much into naturalistic and spiritual methods for healing, which I really respond to. I contacted him. He was currently out of the country, but said he'll be back on 07/30, and the lowest he could go I figured I could manage (just means I'll have to adjust my goals of paying off my credit card a bit, but it'll probably be worht it in the long run).

After I got this all worked out, I've been thinking a lot about dealing with my issues on my own versus having people there. Sometimes, it feels like there is no one I can really turn to for help. That no one can really help me, and why would they want to take their own time to deal with my issues?

Well, a couple days ago, my boyfriend found out that his parents are going to have to put his dog down. He was understandably distraught. Immediately, I left work early with him, postponed a couple things, and drove the 2.5 hours to get back to where that dog was. I felt like there wasn't anything I could do to make it better, but I wanted to be that shoulder to cry on, I wanted to be there in case there was some way I could take away the pain. I don't understand that feeling, why it's there if there really is nothing obvious to be done.

I guess I figure now that it's similar to other people trying to help me. Maybe people that are trying to reach out to me know what it's like to hurt, even if it's not in that way exactly, and they just want to be there in case they can take away the pain. The lady at the crisis center didn't know me, but helped out. My boyfriend spends innumerable hours talking to me while I run in circles trying to find an answer. My BeachBody coach has never met me, yet takes time out of her busy life to respond to me personally, and really the list goes on.

Perhaps there is a reason we pull together in hard times. While I don't want to be a burden on anyone, maybe it's Carma. If I accept the help now, maybe I'll have the opportunity to help another in the future.

All I know is that trying to go at it on my own hasn't resulted in any lasting success, so I gotta change it up!

Consistency . . .Friend or Foe?

As I've stated before, I have an "all or nothing" black and white" opinion of things. I've tried to change, but it's difficult to alter something that is at the core of your being. This morning I was heading to the dentist, and was feeling absolutely miserable. I'd had a severe upset stomach last night, and lost vital sleep, woke up exhausted, and now it was 8:15AM, and I was heading to the Dentist to get shot up with Novocaine. Compare that to last night . . .

My boyfriend, my brother and I all went to this nice Sushi place, shared more dishes than I care to recall, then we went to the theatre where I've been working on AVENUE Q (which recently opened). My brother is not a theater person at all, but I thought he might enjoy this show, and he did! I had a blast with my boys in a place that I'm passionate about, and I was feeling very happy and content with myself and life.

Before my boyfriend headed back to his place, he was visiting with me at my apartment, and I was changing for bed, and I looked down and saw that my belly seemed chubbier than earlier that day, and I felt this panic rising in me. I tried to talk with my boyfriend about it to help me gain some perspective, but it was late and he had to head back to his place. I fell asleep hating my body and angry with myself for indulging in the sushi I did with that rice. Then I had the upset stomach wake me up at 2:30, and you know the rest of the story!

I guess what I'd like to draw attention to in this little tale, is how quickly things can change. One moment you can be happy, content, and feeling that things are finally going to be looking up for you. At that moment when you let your guard down, it seems that the universe wants to remind you that life sucks. It brings you back to the reality of your situation.

A song from the show last night kind of makes me think about this. It's the final number:

PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?

GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don't.

PRINCETON:
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!

KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,

BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,

KATE MONSTER:
For now...

BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now...

NICKY:
Nothing lasts,

ROD:
Life goes on,

NICKY:
Full of surprises.

ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...

ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

LUCY:
For now we're healthy.

BRIAN:
For now we're employed.

BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...

KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.

PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...

GARY COLEMAN:
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...

KATE MONSTER:
For now...

ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (Mitt Romney!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!

NICKY:
Each time you smile...

ALL:
...Only for now

KATE MONSTER:
It'll only last a while.

ALL:
...Only for now

PRINCETON:
Life may be scary...

ALL:
...Only for now
But it's only temporary

Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba dum ba-dum
Ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da
ohhhh-

PRINCETON:
Everything in life is only for now

Bad things are temporary, but so are good things. Everyone always says that being happy is a choice, but it is a lot harder. Life is so fickle sometimes we are just down in the dumps, and we need to express it, not repress it. Given all that, it's clear to me that being miserable/depressed, is comforting. Yeah, it's exhausting and doesn't make life very fun, but if you are always down, nothing can make you that way. It takes away uncertainty with the day ahead, right?

But I can't help thinking also if that's the wrong way to go about it. I'm glad that I was able to have a nice evening, even if my morning hasn't been that great. But on the same token, it kind of makes me feel MORE disappointed, upset, and depressed that I don't still feel that way, especially so soon after.

So I'm not sure what the solution is. I really wish I could know what to count on, but life is so unpredictable. What do you have to rely and count on when everything else is so variable?

One might say that to choose to be happy is just the same as choosing to be miserable. The thing is though, I don't feel like I "choose" to be miserable. I allow it to happen. To force myself to pretend to be cheerful and upbeat is stressful for me. It allows a build up of emotion, and I eventually crack at a little thing. It feels like I'm lying to myself. I try to allow myself to just be the way I feel and not pretend anything else . . . That just usually happens to be an unhappy state for some reason.

I wonder what it is I'm unhappy in. I often feel I'm unhappy with myself. How am I supposed to not be unhappy if I'm always around me?

I recognize that my blog postings of late have not been the most uplifting, but I still think they could be worthwhile at some point in the future, so I'm still putting them down. I would like to see them turn around soon, but I don't know what is going to happen . . . We'll have to see!