How Do You Know When You've Reached the Top?

I was thinking today during one of my workouts "How will I know when I'm 'recovered?'" As part of doing RevAbs, I've been working with an AWESOME Beachbody coach who is very supportive and encouraging. She mentioned that when I've overcome my addiction, she thinks I'd make a great coach myself. But how do I know when that is?

I've heard that people with Eating Disorders don't ever fully recover, that they battle with it all their lives. So, how will I know when my eating is normal, and my workouts are well balanced with the rest of my life? How can I help another if I haven't fully come out the other side myself? How will I know when body image doesn't control my life?

I guess the most important question is "When will I learn to trust myself again?"

This evening I tried on a bikini I'd purchased when I was in Australia at the beginning of my eating disorder, and I was 5 lbs lighter than I am now. The bottoms clearly were slightly too small, there was no getting around that. Overall I know I'm in better shape than I was then, but it's hard to see something that I thought looked all right on me at one time, look not so great anymore. Immediately, I had the thoughts of going back to the diet and exercise plan that I had when I fit into that bikini (900 cals a day, 2 hours of exercise, and more often than not purging what I did eat). I know that losing the weight would be losing muscle mass (especially after speaking to my doctor), but it's still difficult. I wish I could get past that. I wish I could just go shop for a bikini in a slightly larger size and know I look fine, but I am stuck on the sizes I had been.

When will I know that I am safely past all that? There was a time when I thought I'd left all these thoughts and feelings in the dust, and it took an upset and they all came flooding back.

Is changing simply telling yourself "never again" and sticking with it? Those people who've lost insane amounts of weight say "never again" and many keep it off. Could it possibly be that simple for me? Is the fact that I'm open to another relapse what's holding me back?

I think the most important question is, "When will I learn to love and accept my body for what it is and what it does for me?" I know I'm not "fat" by definition, but I feel that way, and I keep telling myself that I'll be happy when I've reached a certain point in my physical appearance, then I can stop worrying. However, my brother pointed out that at that point I'll be worried and stress about maintaining my physique once I get it to where I really want it (if that EVER actually HAPPENS).

So, how will I know when I'm recovered, and how can I be happy with myself in the meantime? You got me! If anyone out there actually has the answer, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise, stick around long enough, and if we are all lucky, maybe I'll figure it out .  . . But I still want to fit properly into my string bikini in the meantime . . . hmmmmm . . .

Who am I? . . . Maybe what I am is enough . . . .

It has been way too long since I've posted. To anybody actually out there reading, I'm sorry. My journey has continued, and a couple days ago, I had an interesting experience that got me thinking again.

Around the first week of April I took a bike ride and got a severely debilitating migraine. For 2 months after that, when I'd exercise I'd often get the same migraine that would endure the rest of the next 2 days! I hoped it would get better, but it didn't. I could barely walk upstairs without feeling the pressure of the migraine start building. I finally consented to go to the doctor.

This was the first time I'd seen a doctor since I'd really been struggling with my Eating Disorder behaviors, and I knew I'd need to open up about it. They did blood work which came back fine, and she prescribed physical therapy for my neck. The physical therapy worked wonders and gave me my life back.

A couple days ago, I had a followup with that doctor. She outright told me that "by no means at all am [I] overweight." She didn't want to see me lose any more weight actually because with my frame if I lost weight I'd mostly be losing muscle mass. The weight I want to be (120-125) was way too small in her opinion.

I didn't quite know what to think. In one sense, it made me feel hopeless. Hopeless because I want to be down to at MOST 125, toned, and my goal for 2012 was to get to my body goals in a healthy way. She basically said that I can't achieve the weight I want in a healthy way. If I just concentrate on toning and building strength and muscle definition, then most likely I'll gain weight. I know it'd be muscle, but seeing the numbers on the scale go up like that would be difficult, I know.

So, I feel like I need to decide. Either hang onto my habits and keep dropping weight until I'm where I want to be, or move on and get rid of my bathroom scale and just concentrate on eating healthy and being active.

Granted, I know what I SHOULD do, but honestly when I think about completely moving on from my Eating Disorder I get a little nervous. I went through a lot of change last year in a short period of time. The things I had defined myself by fell away, and nothing was stable. As strange as it sounds, my Disorder has given me comfort. I've had something I could define myself by, something that was mine alone yet connected me with a larger community. And this I could always possess. No one could take it away from me. It has been all mine. A constant companion in a sea of change. If I don't have that to define myself, who am I? What DO I have? Jobs can be lost, you might move to a new place, get new neighbors, your family and friends may leave in pursuit of their own happiness and purpose, but my Eating Disorder is something I can carry with me everywhere. It gives me something to focus on when everything around is confusing and stressful. Do I really want to lose that?

On the otherhand, I didn't always have it, and I got along just fine. So, there WAS a "Me" that existed without my disorder . . . but I've changed since then. What if there is no new me or future me that exists without my disorder?

I had a therapist say to my recently that you stop developing emotionally when you develop an eating disorder because you don't fully accept the changes around you into your growth as a person. If that's true, then I'm still 20 . . .

Now, I just feel like I'm rambling (but remember this blog was more for myself than anyone else, so I'm entitled! :-D ). I guess where I'm going with this is a part of me feels really strongly that there is this awesome person that the world wouldn't even be able to handle if I just gave up this addiction that's got ahold of me, but I also feel incredibly scared to take that step. What if I give it up and find out I'm not such an awesome person? Is that a risk worth taking? Cause then I won't even have my source of comfort and stability. And at that point, those people who think I need to give it up will accept that I have, then be disappointed if I get back into it. I HATE disappointing people, so I'll be left in quiet desperation. Carrying my companion secretly, or suffering without him.

How do I find the courage to take the unknown steps? WHERE do I find that courage? If there is anyone reading this who has gone through a similar experience and has any advice, I'd very much welcome it.

Until next time! . . .